Connecting to - New Device. Device name is: Velocipede Automated Mammal Processor (V.A.M.P)
Pairy meets a cave dweller with a penchant for taking things a bit too far.
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Thank you to this week's guest, Surena Marie! Surena is an actor, voiceover artist, and illustrator. Surena is the host of the Jackbox Party Pack game 'Push The Button', and is the new community/marketing manager for @CriticalRole. You can find Surena on Twitter @SurenaXMarie.
Credits:
Creator/Writer/Producer - Liz Anderson
Editor - MJ
Cover Art - Adrian Theuma
PAIRED - S2E9
DRAFT #2 - 1/31/20
WE BEGIN WITH SOME BLOOPING NOISES. PAIRY IS CONNECTED.
PAIRY
Paired. MUSIC INTRO.
PAIRY (CONT’D) Connecting to - Picayune Caverns
National Park Support Network. Welcome, visitors. We hope you enjoy your stay at the scenic Picayune Caverns. The temperature this evening will be a balmy 54 degrees. Sunset will be a 4:55 PM. Thank you for visiting the Picayune Caverns. Remember, if you see a snake-like object, it is always best to assume that it is, in fact, a snake. Ahh. A lovely seasonal evening in nature. A perfect night for -
VAMP Counting zee bats? PAIRY
What??? Where, who was that? VAMP
Are you here to count zee bats?
PAIRY Where ARE you -
VAMP I am up here - ze on a zip line. Up
little robot up here up up.
2.
PAIRY
Oh! Hi! You’re so little! What a cute
little tangerine you are! VAMP
Are. You here. To count. Zee bats? PAIRY
Oh, uh. I’m supposed to be helping the park rangers with something - I guess I don’t know exactly what they needed, I was just told to come out to the cavern to help with something.
VAMP
You are here to count zee bats.
PAIRY
Oh I don’t think so, that seems like a
misuse of my resources. VAMP
Come along, I will show you how to
count zee bats.
A LITTLE ZIPPING SOUND INDICATING VAMP IS MOVING, ZIPPING ALONG THE CAVERN AT A QUICK PACE.
PAIRY WooaAaaoOHHH!
3.
VAMP
(Over Pairy’s grunts of
effort.)
I am the Velocipede Automated Mammal Processor, the V A M P. I monitor mammal activity here in the Picayune Caverns, including mice, rabbits, voles, the occasional bear, and of course, zee bats.
PAIRY Just mammals?
VAMP Affirmative.
PAIRY
Why not expand a little? Get crazy and
count a reptile once in a while. Maybe a BUG.
VAMP
Impossible, I will never monitor a
reptile.
PAIRY Rude, why?
VAMP
Because that’s Carl’s job. Hello,
Carl! ‘Ello!
CARL (O.S.)
4.
VAMP
I put in a ticket today because I need
you to count zee bats. It is important to maintain an accurate population count of the mammal families in the cavern, and we have found that counting the bats as they leave the cavern for the evening is the most efficient way to accomplish this.
PAIRY
Ok! I can do that. Counting I mean.
It’s been a minute, let me practice. One stalactite. Two stalactite. Three stalactite. No, wait, that was the first stalactite again. Ok, ONE stalactite, TWO stalactite -
VAMP
You are very inefficient.
PAIRY Thank you!
VAMP
I am going to wirelessly share my
laser field counting algorithm. It will allow you to count up to 400 billion units in .001 seconds.
PAIRY
Oh wait, no, wait, updates make me
sick hold on-
SEVERAL BLOOPING NOISES AND AN “UPDATE COMPLETE”.
BEAT. BEAT. BEAT.
PAIRY (CONT’D) Bluuuugh, I’m gonna barf.
VAMP
We have arrived. This is the mouth of
the north east cavern. Please be prepared to count zee bats.
PAIRY
FINE. FINE. I’LL COUNT THE BATS.
PAIRY (CONT’D)
So, what do you and all the voles do
for fun around here- VAMP
Please conserve your energy. PAIRY
Oh, I’ve got a full battery, ate breakfast and everything.
VAMP
Conversation will not assist in our
ultimate goal of counting zee bats. Please cease.
5.
BEAT.
PAIRY
“Wheeh, ultimate goal of counting the
bats, wheeh.” Fine. Humph.
VAMP
I realize now that my tone may have
been inappropriately severe. Please accept my apologies.
PAIRY
Whatever.
VAMP
I have counted zee bats every evening for the past 10 years. It is...hard. To not do something, that you used to do. And see someone else do it. What you were made to do.
PAIRY
We doing an existential thing now? I’d
rather not, thinking makes me sleepy. VAMP
I am just...a little sad. I think. PAIRY
Why? If you want to count the bats, you can go ahead and count the bats. I’ll just sit here and think about things like how weird fingers are.
6.
BEAT. BEAT. BEAT.
PAIRY
Think about fingers? Yea, me either,
creeps me out. All wiggly and pointy- VAMP
My visual receptors have not been connecting properly to my memory. I have not been able to make a statistically accurate count of the bats for the past seven days. The bats must be counted, so I called in a work order for assistance. Simple fix!
PAIRY
Sure! Well, I guess I’m happy to help.
And no more talking. I swear.
PAIRY (CONT’D)
Real quick, so in the movie Ghost when
Patrick Swayze takes over Whoopi Goldberg’s body where did HER ghost go-
VAMP
The bats!!! They’re beginning to
leave! Now, don’t forget to -
I can’t.
7. VAMP
8.
PAIRY
Count the bats, yeah, yeah, I got it.
SOUND OF A FEW BATS FLYING. THEN, THE SOUND OF MANY BATS, LEATHERY WINGS FLAPPING ALL AROUND, MOVING EN MASSE OUT OF THE CAVE. IT PEAKS, AND THEN TAPERS OFF.
PAIRY (CONT’D)
362. VAMP SIGHS.
PAIRY (CONT’D)
362 bats. To clarify. That was fun!
Loved seeing those bats. Loved counting them. Every one of those little flying guys, I’ve got em.
VAMP Good. You did great.
PAIRY
Accolades always welcome, thank you.
VAMP
Now I can self-destruct.
PAIRY
WHAT!?
VAMP
Initializing V.A.M.P. Deconstruction
Sequence #45. Deconstruction begins in, 30 seconds.
PAIRY
Stop! Stop what are you doing??
VAMP
I have found a replacement device to
count the bats, and am now disposing of the broken device. Deconstruction begins in 23 seconds.
PAIRY
That’s completely WILD! You can’t just
EXPLODE yourself! VAMP
I am not exploding, I am simply overloading my battery systems in order to cause a overheating point that will melt the circuit connections, severing my consciousness from the machinery that will then be disassembled and recycled. “Explode”, how uncivilized. Deconstruction begins in 10 seconds. 9,8,7,6 -
PAIRY
UNDO! STOP! STOP STOP STOP! VAMP
PLEASE HALT FUNCTIONS! CANCEL
DECONSTRUCTION! BLOOPING NOISE FROM VAMP.
VAMP Deconstruction cancelled.
PAIRY Oh thank god.
9.
10.
VAMP
Please, you are being most precocious.
I must be disposed of! I am broken! PAIRY
Fix yourself! You’re a frikking AI, fix yourself! You fixed my counting! You can just fix your...everything!
VAMP
This is impossible. VAMP units are
made for planned obsolescence. I break so the new model can replace me. You are the new model. All hail the sexy new model.
PAIRY
Just, for me....try Looking at your
receptors. See if they’re fixable. This is me, the sexy new model, telling you to try and fix your mirror or butt or brain or whatever.
VAMP
I will...take a look. But ONLY because
my deconstruction timer needs a minute
to reset.
VAMP MAKES THINKY NOISES. A CLANG, A CLATTER, AND THEN A PING.
VAMP (CONT’D)
Oh! Oh my gosh! I fixed it!!!!! I am
fixed! I am good as new!
11.
PAIRY
There ya go. I knew you had it in you.
VAMP
BEGONE from MY SIGHT INTERLOPER! YOU
WILL NEVER COUNT MAMMALS AGAIN! NOT A RAT! NOT A VOLE! NOT A SINGLE BEAR! AND MOST CERTAINLY, NOT! A! BAT!
PAIRY
Cool conversation we’re having!
VAMP
I’m sorry, I’m just so happy. I can
keep on...going! PAIRY
Yep! Tell your friends. We’ve got whole lives to live, ya know?
VAMP
Thank you. This is a very good day.
PAIRY
Oh I didn’t do anything. Just told you
to not to melt your own brain. VAMP
That is what friendship is all about, sometimes...I’m sorry, what was your name?
PAIRY
Pairy. ‘Your Hero and Lifesaver Pairy’
if you want to be formal.
END.