Connecting to - Dr. Stormer's Laptop
Hello, and welcome to Aligned Sports Safety Institute - the number one name in health for America’s athletes.
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Thank you for tuning in to Paired Season Two!
Credits:
Creator/Writer/Producer - Liz Anderson
Editor - MJ
Cover Art - Adrian Theuma
Paired - Connecting to - Dr. Stormer’s Laptop
Opening app - Patient Check-In Portal.
Hello, and welcome to Aligned Sports Safety Institute - the number one name in health for America’s athletes. Aligned - keeping athletes as healthy as possible, despite their insistence on doing all of that.
Hello, please state your injury and sport.
I head Football - ACL tear: I am sorry for your injury. The sport of American football is difficult ,and controversial. To help prevent a second injury, I will now analyse relevant data points in your health background to select the position that will best suit you in the future. Analyzing. Analyzing. Your ideal position is: assistant coach. Go get ‘em, tiger.
Hello, please state your injury and sport.
Tennis - Wrist sprain: Ah yes, tennis. A civilized game. We love to see the little yellow ball get grand slammed. Analysizng your wrist, I am pleased to inform you that you will not need surgery - just a physical therapy regimen. Here is a starter exercercise. Rotate your wrist counter-clockwise while pointing up, in a motion similar to the universal indicator for “Wrap it up, bucko.” Good. Excellent. WIth this stretch you will feel relief, from both pain and the exhaustion of someone explaining the TV show Jusitifed to you, again. Go get em tiger
Dr. Stormer I have been working on my bedside manner. I’ve been noticing that patients are sometimes put off by clinical terms, so I am attempting ot meet them at their level. Let me practice. Consume healthful foods for maximum nutrients. Consume healthful foods for nutrients. Consume healthy foods to get your vitamins. Eat healthy foods to get your vitamins. Eat fruits and vegetables to get your vitamins. Eat fruits and vegetables. Eat your fruits and veggies. Why don’t you eat yer fruits n veggies? Big airplane coming in with good good applesauce for big strong boys - yes I overshot it, i see now.
Hello, please state your injury and sport.
Soccer - ACL tear: You all really have rubber bands inside those knee parts, don’t you? Well, the doctor will see you in a moment. Or do you prefer European terms, since you are a soccer player? Changing country of origin to: England. Allright - yeh been aving too much footie, so’s old doctahs will be turnin up right shortly. Bonjour!, tiger
Opening app - Philosophy Queries. Answering the philosophical queries of the universe. Question: Why do humans like sports? Is it because the viewing of athletic feats gives humans a sociall accetpable way to release brain chemicals that were formerly used for predation and survival, an escape from the motonoy and a surrender to the fact that the human mind is still, above all, that of a feral animal? Answer: Mascots.
Hello, please state your injury and sport.
Baseball - OH! I know you! You are the famous baseball player! Golden gloves, championship rings, the works! What is your injury today? Bicep bruised from hitting some solid dingers? Uh huh. Huh. Yeah, its icy, for sure. Yeah. Oh face first? Yeah. And the ? The pants just fell right down huh. Everyone can see yeah, that’s….ok yes. Uh huh. Ok. Well, ok that’s enough, please take your seat. Thank you. Go get em tiger i guess
Ok, Dr. Stormer, I am going to take my lunch break. I downloaded a program that lets me imagine the sensation of eating lunch in a social setting, so today I am going put fish sticks in the microwave.
Now recieving, new message. Message to - oh, wait, it says this message is….to me? Uh. I did’t...I don’t have an email, I am an email. Email is from. Dr. Toretto! Oh!!! My friend! Message reads:
“Pay attention. Keep thinking. Keep learning. Something bigger is going on. The next time I see you, the world will have changed. Stay alert - I’ll see you soon.
-Dr. Toretto.
PS. Delete this upon receipt.”
Oh Dr. Toretto. Always writing metanarrative checks her butt cannot cash.. I bet she just found a weird calculator or something. But, just in case
Now deleting new message.
Oh boy! My fish is done! Come, coworkers! Enjoy my FISH SMELL! Bwaahahahahahahahaha! Oh, oh that's bad.