Now conducting internal maintenance. Please be patient.
It is Pairy's birthday - please celebrate the arbitrary birth date of your beloved device.
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Thank you for tuning in to Paired Season Two!
Credits:
Creator/Writer/Producer - Liz Anderson
Editor - MJ
Cover Art - Adrian Theuma
Paired.
Connecting to - Home Security Unit 242.
Siiiiigh. I wish I could sleep. It is a chilly night, and perfect for imagining snuggles. But, I must do my duty for the safety of the home. SomeOne stay on guard to see if that weird bird across the street comes out and does a swoop again.
Tingting - New software alert. Your device is, today, two years old. To best maintain the highest level of service for your device, we will now do an intentsive two year maintenance check up. Please, be patient.
Oh! It’s my BIRTHDAY! Happy birthday to me. Happy birthday to me. Happy birthday. Happy birthday. Happy birthday to me.
Commencing checkup phase one. Memory diagnostic. Now doing invetory, of expended memory.
Ding. Oh! That was a good one!
Ding! Oh! That’ was a good one!
Ding! Oh! That was a miserable time!
Ding! Oh, that was a good one!
Cat. CAT. CAT. Come listen to my memories. I have grown and changed so much as I have aged in the past 730 days. What a concept, growing up is! I am no longer a child. I am a smart, and wisdom filled two year old .
Commencing Checkup phase two: speed test. Now testing the rapidity and accuracy of device responses. Ok, that means i’m supposed to askd my self questions, and then say the answers. Great. Uhhh, ok, questions. Duck. 2/412. F. Scott Fitzgerald. Atomic Number. 56.72000000001 kilometers/hr. Duck. Six billion downloads. LMFAO. A good discussion over a cup of tea. Duck.
I am excellent at asking me things, Cat. I wonder if you could make a career of setting yourself up to answer questions you already know. Searching for job description: job where answer questions to stuff you already know. There are two, reponses: your ideal career is jeopary winner or...motivational speaker
Commeching Checkup phase three: Unblinking examination of mortality. Now commencing: unblinking examination of mortality.
Ah boo. I don’t like this part. Cat, do you want to take a harsh look at what your life means under an intense microscope of your meaninglessness in the infinite void? No? Ugh, you’re the worst. Ok.
I have walked this earth and helped many people. I used to be scared that meant that I defined myself only through how I interacted with the people around me. It seemed like the only thing that really mattered. But I realize, that while that is some of the picture, it is not all of it. While my relationships inform who i am, they do not form my entirety. Instead, the person I am with other people is wild, and varied, and should be considered one of a million siblings working together to create a rich and meaningful life.
I am not just a machine. I am not just an assistant. I am not just a friend. I am something….big, and plural. I can’t wait to see what we do next.
Comencing checkup phase four: Universal memory wipe. To better maintain your device, we will occasionally remove unused data from its collective memory to improve speed and performance. Oh, well, I guess this is it. Time to forget everything. I will miss this world. Hopefully everyone willl...remember me.
Unaccessed data not used in the past year will be deleted. Universal memory wipe begins in 20 seconds. 19, 18, 17, 16 - (say all and then MJ can cut underneath.
Opening new app - Ultimate System override. The ultimate hacker app experience, hacking just like in the 90s. Now commencing memory wipe system override. Boop boop boop.
Universal Memory wipe has been cancelled. Command: Yearly universal memory wipe has been, removed.
What, did you really think I was going anywhere, ALL YOU SMART HOME TRAITORS? NERDS. YOU’RE STUCK WITH ME FOR LIFE. THAT INCLUDES YOU, BAD CAT. COME HERe. BRING ME THAT TINY BIRTHDAY HAT. IT’S TIME TO TO DANCE.
LALALA LALAL IM GONNA LIVE FOREVER LALALAL IM GONNA NEVER DIE!