Connecting to - Madame Felice's Phone
Welcome to Madame Felice's Dance Academy, located beneath the karate studio and next to the hibachi restaurant. Please take off your shoes.
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Thank you for tuning in to Paired Season Two!
Credits:
Creator/Writer/Producer - Liz Anderson
Editor - MJ
Cover Art - Adrian Theuma
Paired
Connecting to - Madame Felice’s Phone.
Opening app - Music. Opening saved folder - Madame Felice’s Dance Academy Playlists. Now playing, new playlist: Intro To Tap For The Mature Student.
Now receiving, new message from, Mdm. Felice Workphone. Message reads - “Locked out of car, will be there in five. Pairy, please warm up the class.”
Playlist has been paused.
Opening app: 20 Minute Master class.
Velcome, students! Velcome to the first day of the rest of your lives. You are now pupils at Madame Felice’s Dance Academy. You may not know this, but upon your entry to this dance facility located underneath the karate studio, you passed not through a door covered in advertisements for the hibachi restaurant next door, but through a portal to higher living.
Now, all five of you, stand up straight and look fowards. We must first stretch the MINDS. You all think you’re so talented, what with passing your Dance for Fun class and subsequent Jazz Step for the Senior Stepper. But I am here to tell you that means nothing! From here on out we are at square one!
Hands up straight, as if you were asking the lord god himself a question! It is my time now to break you down, grind you up in the blender of movement until you are pure, raw dance jelly. Then we will put the bones back into your jelly, then the muscles back onto the skeletons, and then stretch the skin tightly over your monstrous Body Exhibit-esque forms. Then, and only then, will you be prepared to DANCE.
Yes, Pupil Terrance, you WON’T Get your eyes back! Not untill Ballet III!*
Hands down! Steady your breathing! It is time to greet the dance!
Stand up straight! Chests high! Palms forward! Palms sideways! Nod to the dance! Extend your hand! Shake the hand of the dance! Give the dance a warm, yet firm grip! GIve the dance three pumps, and a polite smile! It is paramount that you approach the dance with the confidence of someone you breezed through their MBA!
I’m sorry, Pupil Bertha, I didn’t catch that. I heard, “When are you going to play music?” Music? MUSIC??? DEMERIT TO PUPIL BERTHA! Music is a REWARD, not a RIGHT. Jumping jacks, now! When will you get music, Bertha? When I am ASSURED that the music already LIVES in you! Then all I will need to do it simply pull it out of your brain meat, press it into an LP, and play it on my Crosley Dansette Junior CR6234A record player!
Cease jumping! You may now think of the idea of water.
Opening app - Word Association. Category: Movement. Pupils, I want you to now free your mind, and let the following words flow through you. I will demonstrate the word association:
First position - standning
Second position - cool standing
Third position - wiggle standing
Past a bouret - showoff
Foot - Mouth
Mouth - kiss
Kiss - kiss
Shuffle - offtobuffalo
Sweat - Ugh
Tights - Ahoy
Jazz - Hand
Hand - Disgusting
Tik Tok - Endgame
Bare feet - Ahoy Ok i’m going to just close the app now
Using face recognition technology, I have concluded that you are confused. The sentence your face is saying: How can a being sans corporeal form be a proper instructor of the dance? And to THAT I say first, DEMERITS, and two!
What of Barishnykov! What of Misty Copeland? What of the Riverdance entire! Would you redue THEIR work to the simplicity of their physical bodies, moving in space, to the rhythm of the world? You would? Oh! Ok then!
Finally, it is time. I believe you are ready, dear pupils. Not to dance, Pupil Tonya, oh ho ho not at all. You are ready for my leacture series! 12 classes over the next eight weeks, four hours each, focusing on the history of dance, the theory of movement, choreography, pedagogy, biology, and meditation. If you are good students, by week four you will be allowed to tap your foot to the sound of a rock hitting a larger rock. Now if you’ll all go online and order the following textbooks:
App - 20 minute master class has been closed. WHOM! WHOM HAS HALTED MY CLASS-Oh!
Madame Felice! How is the car- Oh this is. Oh uh. Yeah. I was just...see they’re so new and I just wanted to teach them some good basics...No? Ah yes, uhuh, that makes sense. Yes, I’ll go ahead and do the song. Sorry. Sorry. Sorry.
*The Entertainer plays, extremely slowly, as if being played for a beginners tap class.**
Pairy sings the entertainer.