Connecting to - Eddie's Work Device
Appraising a fine estate in the middle of Romania...hope nothing INTERESTING happens!
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Thank you for tuning in to Paired Season Two!
Credits:
Creator/Writer/Producer - Liz Anderson
Editor - MJ
Cover Art - Adrian Theuma
Paired
Connecting to - Eddie’s Work Device
Opening - Location Services. Pinpointing location. Current location: 45.9432° N, 24.9668° E
Viscri, Romania.
Opening app: Don Edward and Sons International Realty. Now creating new listing. New listing: Hoffer Grand Estate. A historical jewel, ready and waiting for the most discerning connesieur. This 450,000 square foot residence originally built in the 18th century ecompasses a massive acreage that has only recently come on the market after the passing of the previous owner. This magnificent escape is full of hidden treasures, quiet alcoves, and lot n lots of scary ghosts and vampires who will eat you while you sleep - closing app.
Eddie! Let me finish the listing! Come ON. If you wanna sell this place you gotta give the people some JUICE!
*Sounds of a squeaking door. Pairy starts whispering when it gets too echoey*
I don’t get why you’re trying to be all subtle here. This is a CASTLE. In ROMANIA. That’s OLD as hell. And the last owner DISAPPEARED. That’s monsters baby! Monsters all the way down! People love monster stuff! If you lean into that people will be all horned up to buy your vampire vacation home in a second!
Volume down, volume down.
I know you sort of think so too. Why else would you come all the way out here to appraise it? Because you want to have a spooky sexy monster adventure! You’re Bella! I get it! I’m Bella too! We’re all Bella!
*Creaking door*
I’ll prove it to you. We’ll do the walkthrough, and I’ll search for historical events that happened here. This place is OLD as HECK and if there is not some cursed ruby or dancing phantasm I will pay for you flight back.
I will not. I don’t have money. You know that. But the gesture Eddie. Appreciate it. The gesture.
Opening app: Historical News Archive. Now searching for mentions of “Hoffer Estate comma Romania” Sub search “Hoffer Eestate Comma romania + Frankensteins”. Just in case!
Now entering: Hoffer Estate, Ballroom. Ok, ok, searching ballroom. Ooh! Ok, here’s something, a news article from 1975...the SCARIEST year of the 70s! The Hoffer Estate ballroom was, once upon a time, home to magnificent soirees, masquerades, and on one occasion, an extremely chilly orgy. However, that all changed one night...ooh!...one night when???
a water pipe broke in the northern interior wall, causing a moderate leak onto the ballroom floor and staining damage. The leak was fixed in short order.
They said the homes water pressure was neeeeeeever the saaaaame.C’mon, Eddie, I’m trying to create a MOOD here. This place is old and we need to find SOMETHING scary or no ones going to buy it OR turn it into a Spirit Halloween store.
Now entering, Hoffer estate - Kitchen! Ok, ok searching, searching. Ooh ok! A piece from 1891, the OLD stuff. The RUMOR is that something most foul happened in the pantry of this very kitchen. The chef was preparing a magnifcent feast for the fine lords and laides upstairs. Rumor has it that this chef was quite jealous of the finery of the nobles, and this jealousy caused him to tip over the edge! The chef, full of rage, took his knife and! Accidentally cut himself between the thumb and forefinger, causing him to need to go to the hospital, where he got stitches and a referral to a therapists to help him work through the emotional toll inherent in classism.
UGH. There’s nothing GOOD here. Searching, searching.
Salon - bad wiring
Greenhouses - weed infestation
Dumbwaiter - stuck
Master bedroom - smells like old man
Library - full of civil war nonfiction and business managmeent books UGH.
This isn’t an exciting scary mansion, Eddie! This is just...just...a bad house!
Oh! Maybe that was the point! You didn’t bring me here to go on a ghost hunt with you. You brought me here to show me that we can find beauty in the normalcy of life! In a way, a house that is just the product of years of neglect and people just being lazy is its OWN type of scary! Maybe the real hauting was...mankind!
Oh, what? Oh, run a value asseessment? Oh! Yes! The thing I’m supposed to be doing. Uh, ok, accounting for the acreage, the square footage, existing fixtures, furnishings...the total value of the Hoffer estate is…$10,000 euro. Yeah, it’s a really bad house. WOOF.
It’s ok Eddie. I’ll buy you a Savarine. It’s CAKE! I’ll watch you eat it. And pretend that I am eating it. What’s it like eating by the way. Can I look in your stomach? No? Ok, I’ll look anyway. I am KIDDING.