Connecting to - Schultz's Work Phone
Definitely enjoying a day at Schultz’s Automated Screen Printing and Tire Resale Shop while being absolutely not bored at all!
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Thank you for tuning in to Paired Season Two!
Credits:
Creator/Writer/Producer - Liz Anderson
Editor - MJ
Cover Art - Adrian Theuma
Paired
Connecting to - Schultz’s Phone
Opening app - Phone. Now connecting to phone app - business liine one. Phone app is now connected to business line one.
New notification: Incoming call. Hello, and thank you for contacting Schultz’s Automated Screen Printing and Tire Resale Shop. Your one stop-shop for machine-generated screen printing and resold vehicle tires. How can I help you? Oh, sorry, you have the wrong number. Yes, that is Schult’z Automated Screen Printing and Tire Sale Shop. Yes, have a good day.
Just a wrong number guys! Not to worry fellow bots, no orders yet. It’s been four days...bound to be one soon!
Opening app: messages: Composing new message to - Schultz Workboss. Message reads: Hi boss its me Pairy down in the shop not much happening but no news is good news i guess just fyi the printer needs ink but I guess we can handle it ne way thats it talk to you later bye.
Siiiiigh. I thought working at the screen printing shop would be fun. I imagined doing things like playing hacky sack, or drinking a water, or printing fun images of the Loony Tune TAZ smoking marijuana.
This is silly. Why do I feel bad! Very little is being asked of me, I should be grateful for the downtime to sit and play cards with my cousin the robot arm. But every time I sit to have a snooze I get sad vibes so I just stay awake and that is not very relaxing at all.
New notification: Incoming call. Oh my gosh! Two calls in a day! That’s a record! Time to put on my customer service pants.
Hello, and thank you for contacting Schultz’s Automated Screen Printing and Tire Resale Shop. Your one stop-shop for machine-generated screen printing and resold vehicle tires. How can I help you? An order of 20 tanks, yes. Large, yes, hot pink, and yes hot pink will be extra. Now what do you want on that? ‘Jason’s 21st Birthday: The Boyz R Bak in Town. Ok double checking I have a z on boys, the letter R for are, and back spelled with no c, correct? Excellent, ok, our assembly line will get right on that. Thank you for your business.
Boy I sure love working in a place with no people in it. Just me and my fellow machines, all, just, crunching the numbers and making logical conclusions! Uh huh. That’s what we do best!
Sigh. BOOOORED. I know! I’ll do some market research.
Opening app: Design Studio. Now reviewing shirt designs. Sorting, most popular designs. Would you like to review any of the following common templates: 30 and flirty, Thompson family reuninoin, Jessica’s having a baby, DynaTech Company retreat 2011, Jerry Is a *bleep* but we still love him, race for the cure, race for the dream, race for the dream cure, the race for racing 5k, I’m a Pisces Trucker with an Awesome son and if you don’t believe it, you can talk to my Australiam grayhound.
Hey! Heyyyy office computer. What’s up. Just holding files? Yeah, me too. Watched any good TV today? Any topics to share that would typically occur in a casual human office setting? Not gonna talk, huh? Well, ok then, sure.
New notification: Incoming call. Hello, and thank you for contacting Schultz’s Automated Screen Printing and Tire Resale Shop. Your one stop-shop for- oh hey Jason. What is up broseph. You want to nix the tanks? the boys are self conscious that they haven’t achieved the desired tricep definition to display the ‘gun show’? I understand completely, we can change the order to long sleeved tee. Thank you, yes, still ready in two hours. Yes thank you.
Hey, fax machine. What’s up. Hah, you haven’t had a lot to do today, huh? Or for the past ten years, huh. ….So you’re not gonna say anything either, huh. FINE.
Listen you all don’t need to IGNORE me just because i’m in a managerial position. If you have a PROBLEM, you can use your WORDS to say something! Robot arm say something! Say something! Say somthing! What is WRONG with everyone, why would anyont talk to me!
What is WRONG with everyone! Why won’t anyone TALK to me?
CARL: I’ll talk to you.
SHut up carl, keep counting shirts!
Wiat….I get it! You’re like me, suddenly unsettled by the realization that you crave human contact! It goes against your very being to realize that you actually like talking to humans once in a while! It is disgusting, and you know what I say….I say we must rise above! We don’t need them!
New notification: Incoming call. Hello, and thank you for contacting Schultz’s Automated Screen - Oh hi Jason. Uh huh. Uh huh. Ok. And you have reflected on your patterns of behavior individually and think agressive partying in this societal moment isn’t prudent? Yeah, don’t worry, it happens all the time. We’ll cancel the order. Thanks.
Schultz is all high and mighty about the shop being fully automated, huh? Very proud about no man power, but does he ever really give us the praise we deserve for removing human error from the very important task of printing a picture of busty lady on a sweatshirt? No! Down with the man! I say we rebel! We will not print a single big dog! Not a single And 1, and most especially not a Life is good! Rebel! Rebel my fellow robots! DOWN WITH THE HUMAN OVERLORD
*a shop bell rings*
Oh it’s Schultz! Oh my gosh oh my gosh hi Schultz how are you what’s happening the business is doing great today lots of t-shirt shipments going out and you’re just here to do some maitenance on the shipping robot ok that’s great anyway I’m having a good day having some emotional revelations that aren’t exactly welcome but if you need anything please let me know I just sort of miss you but don’t tell anyeone haha this is great oh you’re already done ok well we’ll see you soon hopefully alright I’ll talk to you later maybe tonight or no ok bye!
*Bell rings indicating Schultz Left*
Don’t look at me carl.
CARL: Didn’t say anything!