Connecting to - Mrs. Hopp's Phone
Exploring the fine literature that is the modern beauty tutorial.
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Thank you for tuning in to Paired Season Two!
Credits:
Creator/Writer/Producer - Liz Anderson
Editor - MJ
Cover Art - Adrian Theuma
Paired.
Connecting to - Mrs Hopp’s phone.
Attempt to unlock phone: failed
Attempt to unlock phone: failed
Attempt to unlock phone: successful
Oh, Bobby! Hello! I haven’t seen you since your mom took a picture of you at Christmas. How’s middle school? Uh huh. I’m sorry, I didn’t catch that - it sounded like you said “It ducking sucks” Ok, well, language.
How can I help you today. I hope you fished me out of the bottom of your mom’s purse for a reason. I was having a good time identifying chapsticks.
New notification from app: Calendar. Calendar event: ‘Bobbi’s 8th grade dance’ begins in, one hour.
Openin app: Music - Opening new playlist: Glam Squad. Now playing new playlist: Glam squad.
Oh dang! We’re glamming! We’re going to go to a dance and stand in the gymnasium and then cross the gymnasium and then leave the gymnasium! A formative moment in any young persons’ life!
Opening: app store. Selecting app - MegaCute Beauty Tutorials. Your one stop shop for tutorials on all things beauty. Would you like to purchase app? Heck yes! Show me videos of the people doing the thing in step by step fashion!
By selecting this purchase, you confirm that you are 16 years old or above.
Hmmm. Hmm. A moral quandary. Bobbi, you are 14.673 years old. Legally, I should not let you purchase this product to put on your mother’s phone. But also, I wanna be cool. Cool vs. responsible. Cool vs. responsible. What an impossible decision that only I have ever had to make.
Confirm purchase? Confirm purchase? Confirm purchase? OK FINE. It’s just hair and makeup. But if your mom asks, it was the work desktop in the office that did it, not me!
App purchase. Complete.
Welcome to MegaCute Beauty Tutorials. You’re about to get MegaCute! What do you want to learn today?
You have selected: Eyebrows, Subcategory, Maitenance, Subcategory, fast.
Launching new Tutorial: 30-Second Brow Cleanup.
The human eyebrow is one of the most mysterious, majestic features of the human face. Some scholars consider the eyebrow to be the formative silhouette of the face, influencing the entire composition of the head with great power. In 18th-century France, the brow SKIP AHEAD what IS an arch anyway? We must first look to the roman aqueduct
SKIP AHEAD perhaps Emanel Kant put it best when he said, “Happiness is not an ideal of reason, but of imagination SKIP AHEAD so for this method we will be using an unusual tool, the mini clipper! Definitely don’t try this if you aren’t experienced with the too SKIP AHEAD and carefully, carefully approach the brow ridge, located just under the SKIP AHEAD
Bobby if I can cut in here, maybe we shouldn’t be skipping ahead so much, there might be some important info here SKIP AHEAD SKIP AHEAD SKIP AHEAD and there you have it? A perfect, clean brow, ready for a night on the town. Or should we say a night on the BROWN! Ha hahaha END TUTORIAL.
Ok! Well, that’s that then. Vital beauty information, and backed up with some real interesting scholarly primary resources there. Now we can take a day, absorb the information and -
*Clippers start to buzz*
Oh! Oh! I guess we’re doing it! Ok, uh, let’s just, ok, remember the steps, ok one, brows are the mirror to the eye, aqueducts, Treaty of Versailles, just carefully, carefully, don’t stlip, great, great, everything looks great
*A dog barks in the hallway*
Hey! Bad Mr. Tumnus! Bad! Bad dog! Your polite fawn namesake would never!
Silly dog. Now, let’s get back to - Oh my god. Oh my god. You shaved it all off. OH MY GOD! OH MY GOD OH MY GOD!
ME STOP FREAKING OUT! YOU STOP FREAKING OUT! YOU SIT DOWN IN YOUR CONVERSE SHOES AND CLAIRES BRAND LIP GLOSS AND YOU STOP FREAKING OUT!
No we can fix it! We can fix it! Let me just look through these tutorials: Welcome to MegaCute Beauty Tutorials. You’re about to get MegaCute! What d-
Hair extensions
Brow pencil
Cool eyepatch
Bangs - oh yes let’s do bangs!
Opening up bangs tutorial: Bangs are a compact one makes with oneself, a journey more strenuous than any you have previously --
Closing app.
Bobbi, don’t close the app?? Bangs will fix it! Bangs will always fix it. BANGS HAVE TO FIX IT.
Well don’t YOU cry. Don’t cry! Or do! I don’t know what will make it better?? What are your hormones reporting? Show me your hormone data! Write it down in a graph!
Ok. I have to be the adult here, I’m a year old! Practically middle aged! Machine up! Ok! Ok! Time to make it better!
Hey. Hey Bobbi. So! You know how I’ve looked at billions of human faces over the internet has taught me that you humans love symmetry more than anything else...why else would the algorithms keep presenting it to you!? As far as I know, no algorhitm has ever boosted a face with ONE EYEBROW MISSING. That means...That MEANS...you’re unique! Yeah! Kids like being unique, right?
We did something we weren’t supposed to do. We went on a site for 18 year olds and we weren’t ready for that responsibility. Now we have to live with the consequences! You already have yours, on your face!
And I...welll I might get my memory wiped forever or replaced with another program that probably has its whole thing worked out and won’t let humans make the stupid stupid mistakes they do. It’s ok. We’re both gonna be ok.
But I know I can’t fix this. And you can’t fix it. Not even with bangs. We have to go get your mom. I know! But we have to. Ok? I’ll be right there with you. Are you ready?
Ok. Let’s go. No, don’t look in the mirror, you look like an unfished cartoon, let’s go. It’s ok. It’s ok.