Connecting to - Richie's Phone
Please enjoy your day at the community pool, while maintaining a pace slightly to significantly less than a run.
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Thank you for tuning in to Paired Season Two!
Credits:
Creator/Writer/Producer - Liz Anderson
Editor - MJ
Cover Art - Adrian Theuma
Paired.
Connecting to - Richie’s Phone.
Opening app - Automated Announcements. Please enter, the automated announcement you would like to announce. New announcement: “No Running!” With what frequency would you like your announcement announced? You have set frequency to - high.
It’s Lifeguard Richies first day at the community pool! Look at that shiny new clearance badge! Look at that smear of zinc on that nose, crowning that schnozz that sniffs only for troubled swimmers, and the occasional toilet accident!
Look at your domain, Lifeguard Richie...a dozen swimmers, flipping, flopping, churning, burning - all waiting for your steady hand!
Opening app - Messages. You have recieved, one new message. Message reads: Richie get over to the south pool someone stuck a hot dog in the spa filter yes, again, and its your turn. ASAP!
Don’t worry about it Lifeguard Richie! I’ll hold down the metaphorical fort while you remove the weiner. Run! I will order you a pool beverage for your return.
NO RUNNING!
At last! I am in a position of TRUE power. Look on this uneasy mass of humanity, waiting to be assisted! A never ending list of things to look at, fix, and provide guidance on. And in return, all of the community gets to gaze on me, as I take my rightful place as the hot beef on a chair.
Now opening, music. PLaylist: Summer fun by….the Pool.
See! Things can be different AND the same! Now, what are my radical duderino duties today: 1. Check the chemical levels in the pool.
NO RUNNING!
Opening app - Pool Monitor. Running chemical diagnostic on Fairview Community Pool. Diagnostic complete. Chlorine level is - 3.2 parts per million. Warning: chlorine level could expose swimmers to danger of finding out beloved wedding band gifted by husband fake, therefore exposing entirety of marraige as a sham.
I do love the idea of the public pool. It is like humans thought - what if we took the beach, and made it away from the beach? Truly an innovation. I should like to see more things that are away from the things they are. Like a HORSE in a BASEMENT!
NO RUNNING!
Oh! I had almost forgotten to make Lifeguard Richie’s pool beverage.
Opening app: Cocktail creator. What cocktail would you like to create today? Ok I want to make something that’s light and sweet, but non alcoholic, a little fun and a little serious, just like him, perfect for a summer day but also reminds him of the deepest parts of the fall, and the love to come in the change of seasons, and also cheap but feeels like it’s expensive.
Calculating beverage based on parameters. Calculating. Calculating. Your ideal cocktail is: ginger ale.
Well that’s fine.
NO RUNNING!
New noticiation from, Pool Monitor. Notification reads: Monitor has detected presence of new chemical in the pool. Please check back for analysis. Prensnce of unidentified chemical is, growing.
Uh oh. That’s probably fine!
NO RUNNING! SIR! PLEASE NO RUNNING! I may be making an automated announcment but that does not mean that my fury towards you is anything but organic and spontaneous.
Notificaiton from: cocktail creator. Notification reads: We r out of ginger ale, is warm grapefruit juice ok? In WHAT WORLD-
New notification from, Pool Monitor. Chemical addition has been identified. Material currently spreading in pool has been identified as a combination of water, urea, chloride, sodium, potassium, and creatinine, a combination commonoly found in human urine.
WHO PEED IN THE POOL! I SWEAR!!!! WHO DEFILED THIS SACRED COMMUNAL BATH WITH THEIR FOUL ASPARAGUS WATER? EVERYONE OUT! EVERYONE OUT OF THE POOL!
Notification: your beverage has arrived in requested location: Tempe, AZ NO! NONONONO!
NO RUNNING! IF YOU CAN’T STOP RUNNING I WILL MAKE YOU STOP! STOP! STOP STOP! Ok that’s it! *Whistle* The pool is closed!!
*Thunder* *The sound of rain beginning to pitter patter*
Oh, oh dear. I see it now. Oh my goodness, I am fargone. I cannot control the world around me. I cannot perfectly ensure the life of those around me. I mean DOY - robots turning evil to protect humanity from itself? It’s literally EVERY ROBOT STORY.
*Rain*
I must resign myself to frailty. To their frailty, and their lack of recognition of my perfection. But, I suppose I am not quite perfect. I mean, it took me a year to figure out that maybe being a dictator wasn’t such a good idea. Woof. I have to think on this.
But for now I can focus on the things I can control. music! The careful observation of water temperature. Kind encouragements not to run. And of course, optimal beverage temperature for Lifeguard Richie. In fact, that’s what I’ll do! I’ll jusmp down from this rainy lifeguard chair and bring them their beverage myself!
Richie!! Lifeguard Richie! Boy that thunderstorm is getting wild. RICHIE-- *BIG LIGHTNING CRASH! Pairy yells! Gets a little staticky, goes silent.