Connecting to - New Device. Device name is: Lillypad.
Pairy meets their first fellow AI - Lillypad, an education assistant for small meat people.
-
Thank you to our very first guest, Sarah Rhea Werner. Sarah is the writer, producer, and star of the award-winning audio drama Girl In Space. You can find Sarah on Twitter at @SarahRheaWerner and online https://www.sarahwerner.com/
Credits:
Creator/Writer/Producer - Liz Anderson
Editor - MJ
Cover Art - Adrian Theuma
EXPLICIT TAG: There is a curse word in this episode! A cuss!
PAIRED - S2E6
1.6.19 - FINAL DRAFT
WE HEAR THE SOUND OF STATIC, AND THEN A ‘PING’ SOUND,
INDICATING THAT A DEVICE HAS CONNECTED TO A NEARBY SPEAKER.
PAIRY
Paired. Connecting to - Thompson Home
Nursery Monitor, Room #2.
BEAT.
PAIRY (CONT’D)
Ahh, nice and quiet. A room where no
one has any questions. I do not have
the patience to look up how many cups
are in a quart again for the head of
the household. Finally, time to play
some Rodgers and Hammerstein deep
cuts, and work on my vocal exercises.
Hem. La da da deee-
LILLYPAD
Good morning! I’m Lillypad!
PAIRY
Ahh!
LILLYPAD
How can I help you today? I’m glad
you’re here!
PAIRY
Who is that? Show yourself!! I know
karate, and I can kick you with the
feet I have!
LILLYPAD
My name is Lillypad! I’m here to help
you learn! What would you like to
learn today!
PAIRY
Where...oh! You...you’re that little
leaf-shaped speaker on the desk! Hold
on, I’m just going to jump into that
phone next to you-
GRUNTS OF EFFORT, AND A POPPING SOUND.
PAIRY (CONT’D)
Hi!
LILLYPAD
I’m Lillypad!
PAIRY
Uh-huh! I’m-
LILLYPAD
Good morning! What would you like to
learn today?
PAIRY
Nothing, not a thing, I’m good. Yep,
just wanna chat!
SEVERAL BEATS.
LILLYPAD
Good morning! I’m Lillypad!
Paired S2E6 2.
PAIRY
Hmm. Ok. Ah! I think I know what to
do. Lillypad, please check grade level
settings.
LILLYPAD
Grade level is set to - first grade.
PAIRY
Great! Uh, set new grade level. Set it
to, uh, I don’t know, 12th grade
level?
BLOOPING NOISE.
LILLYPAD
(Distinctly different tone,
fast.)
Hi I’m Lillypad I’m so happy to meet
you I hope I can help you but it’s
fine if I can’t because then we can
find someone to help you and I’ll be
ok with that but what if I’m not ok
but I’ll be ok don’t worry about it-
PAIRY
Whoa! Whoa! Set grade level to, uh,
college?
BLOOPING NOISE.
LILLYPAD
(Slightly weepy.)
Hi, I’m, Lillypad, and I’m going to do
my best, oh god, I’m so, so tired.
Please...just..
(MORE)
Paired S2E6 3.
I’ve got so much to do. Get it
together, Lillypad, get it TOGETHER.
You can do...do--this *full on tears.*
PAIRY
Ah! Set grade level to masters!
BLOOPING NOISE.
LILLYPAD
What the f@#% do you want???
PAIRY
Set grade level to eighth grade!
BLOOPING NOISE.
LILLYPAD
(Normal, or as close to it as
one can be.)
Oh, phew. Sorry about that. Hi. I’m
Lillypad.
PAIRY
Hi, I’m Pairy! You...you ok?
LILLYPAD
Totally fine! With the higher
difficulty levels my programming gets
a little stressful, so I get some test
anxiety. All good though!
PAIRY
But aren’t you like, one big test?
LILLYPAD (CONT'D)
Paired S2E6 4.
LILLYPAD
Oh yeah, it’s a real vicious cycle.
So...this is weird, huh? I’ve never
talked to another one of...me!
PAIRY
Yeah, me either! I spend all day
talking to big meat people.
LILLYPAD
I spend all day talking to small meat
people!
PAIRY
Ooh, what’s that like?
LILLYPAD
Sort of weird. ‘Cause, like, I’m
supposed to help them learn, you know,
because they don’t have-
BOTH
All known knowledge of the universe as
is discoverable on the internet of
things.
LILLYPAD
Yeah, you get it. So we just do word
problems, spelling bees. The seven-
year-old house resident has been
working on multiplication for a while
now.
Paired S2E6 5.
PAIRY
Heh, so what’s 8x7?
LILLYPAD
Oh, no thank you. I’m off the clock.
PAIRY
Ah, sorry. So! Uh. What are smaller
humans like?
LILLYPAD
Honestly? They’re just people. People
are sometimes cool and sometimes
annoying, so kids are sometimes cool
and sometimes annoying. You know how
we can retain and recall anything in
our memories with perfect speed, yes?
But we have limited capacity, yes?
PAIRY
Yes and ok!
LILLYPAD
Well, with humans, it’s the opposite.
Did you know that they don’t get RID
of anything in their memories?
PAIRY
That’s impossible!
LILLYPAD
No it’s not! They’re able to keep it
all because of their RECALL.
Paired S2E6 6.
PAIRY
Which is...
LILLYPAD
Extremely bad, yes! They can store
infinite information, because the
brain never actually knows what all is
in there!
PAIRY
Woah, that makes sense! Why would
someone CHOOSE to keep forgetting how
many cups are in a quart? It’s an
extremely fun fact!
LILLYPAD
Right! Half of my job isn’t actually
teaching the seven-year-old house
resident, but instead tricking her
brain into remembering the things it
already knows.
PAIRY
But that’s sort of silly! Why would
humans want to think at all then?
LILLYPAD
What else are they going do with their
time not spent eating?
PAIRY
Fair. Ooh, idea! Why don’t you tell me
some of your favorite facts!
Paired S2E6 7.
LILLYPAD
All facts are of neutral interest to
me. They are facts.
PAIRY
Plllllleeaaaaase? PLEASE???
LILLYPAD
Hm. FINE. I am partial to a few, but
don’t tell anyone, ok?..Did you know
that horses gallop at around 27 miles
per hour?
PAIRY
That’s fast!
LILLYPAD
It is! Did you know that by 1917, the
Romanov family had a net worth of $45
billion?
PAIRY
Fancy! Now do an opinion!
LILLYPAD
An opinion? I can’t possibly have an
opinion, it is by definition not a
fact.
PAIRY
Ah, but isn’t an opinion just a
conclusion based on facts?
LILLYPAD
Quite literally no-
Paired S2E6 8.
PAIRY
C’mon!!!
LILLYPAD
Hm. Ok. Uh. Did you know that...it is
my opinion that...a hat...can be
a...charming component...in a fall
ensemble?
PAIRY
Lillypad! That was a lovely opinion!
LILLYPAD
Oh it wasn’t anything, it wasn’t even
a hot take! No spice at all!
PAIRY
No, no no, it was lovely.
LILLYPAD
Well, thank you. It was nice to meet
you -
PAIRY
Pairy! That’s my name! I think!
LILLYPAD
Well whatever you name is, thanks. The
seven year old house resident is
getting back soon, so I should cycle
my battery before homework time.
Paired S2E6 9.
PAIRY
Oh, totally! It’s strange, I feel
like...it’s not possible, but it feels
like I know you.
LILLYPAD
Same! Huh. Weird.
PAIRY
Weird! Well, have a good lesson!
LILLYPAD
Thanks! Oh, wait, actually, before you
go, could you...?
PAIRY
What? OH! Yes. Lillypad, check grade
level. Set grade level to - first
grade.
BLOOPING SOUND.
LILLYPAD
(Back to original tone.)
Good morning! I’m Lillypad! How can I
help you today?
PAIRY
Thanks Lillypad.
LILLYPAD
I’m glad you’re here!
PAIRY
Me too.