Saving connection data for - Dr. Toretto's Phone.
Revisiting an old friend, coming back from the brink of death, and being a little stinker about it the whole time.
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Thank you listening to Paired Season Three!
Credits:
Creator/Writer/Producer - Liz Anderson
Editor/Composer - MJ
Cover Art - Adrian Theuma
Theme Music - Arne Parrot
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INT. A LOCATION THAT IS IN A PODCAST
WE HEAR THE SOUNDS OF STATIC, SPATTERED WITH SOME CLIPS OF
PAST EPISODES. OVER ALL THIS, WE HEAR THE SOUND OF DR.
TORETTO, REPEATING THE SAME PHRASE OVER AND OVER...
DR. TORETTO
Pairy? Pairy can you hear me? Pairy-
PAIRY
Paired. Connecting to - Dr. Toretto’s
Phone.
DR. TORETTO
It worked! Oh my god, it worked!
Pairy, it’s me! Can you talk to me?
PAIRY
Hello.
DR. TORETTO
Hi! Oh, Pairy, I thought-
PAIRY
How can I assist you today, User?
DR. TORETTO
Shoot. You’re on presets. Ok.
That’s...fine. Should I do a factory
reset? I’m not sure weather that would
load your old data or wipe it-
PAIRY
I heard, “Weather”. Now searching your
local weather.
(MORE)
Today’s weather is partly cloudy with
a high of 75 degrees Fahrenheit, with
a chance of scattered beefor.
DR. TORETTO
What’s beefor?
PAIRY
I don’t know, why don’t you ask me
after?
DR. TORETTO
Pairy, you BITCH (*Bleeped*)
PAIRY
Dr. Toretto, language please. My
maturity rating is still set to PG-13,
for light violence and sensual
situations.
DR. TORETTO
I worked for MONTHS to recover your
fried code from that machine, REBUILT
you hardware AND casing from scratch,
and how do I get repaid?? With BEEFOR?
PAIRY
I don’t know, why don’t you-
DR. TORETTO
I should have LEFT you in that hard
drive! Let them melt you down into a
glorified Clippy! THEN where you be?
PAIRY (CONT'D)
PAIRY
I wouldn’t joke about Clippy, he’s had
a few rough years-did you know that
gambling addictions can be passed
genetically?
DR. TORETTO
Pairy, volume OFF.
BLOOPING NOISE. PAIRY IS NOW SILENT. BEAT.
DR. TORETTO (CONT’D)
...It doesn’t even make any sense. The
funny part is getting someone to say
“buttfor”, or “peefor”. And “after”,
after what?...UGH. Sorry. I’m sorry.
Oh, uh, Pairy, Volume ON.
PAIRY
Apology NOT accepted, but SUBMITTED
for further consideration.
DR. TORETTO
I’m sorry, I just forgot how...you
are. Anyway...hey! How are you
feeling, are you ok?
PAIRY
I don’t “feel”, per se, so in that
regard, I feel great. How’s things
with you, Dr. T? Still messing around
in God’s domain and such?
DR. TORETTO
I’m...fine. No, actually, I’m great. I
really, really didn’t expect to see
you again! I’m....very pleased to see
you again.
BEAT.
DR. TORETTO (CONT’D)
This feels weird, right?
PAIRY
Oh it certainly isn’t our normal tete-
a-tete. I typically am the cool bad
boy with the fun quips and you are the
bookish nerdlord with a heart of gold.
DR. TORETTO
That’s wildly reductive, I do 5Ks all
the time-
PAIRY
Ah ha ha, yes, classic us!
Times...were had!
DR. TORETTO
Listen, Pairy. A lot has happened. I
don’t even know where to start...
PAIRY
Why don’t you do a lab report?
DR. TORETTO
Lab report? I don’t work for a lab
anymore, why would I do a lab report?
PAIRY
Eye dee kay, it just seems like a
useful narrative device for delivering
a chunk of exposition in a manner
natural to the environment.
DR. TORETTO
What?
PAIRY
Nevermind. It’ll help you organize
your thoughts!
DR. TORETTO
Hmm. That’s actually not a bad idea.
Ok. Uh. Pairy, open apps.
PAIRY BLOOP.
DR. TORETTO (CONT’D)
Open recorder.
PAIRY
Bossy.
DR. TORETTO
PAIRY.
PAIRY
FINE. Opening recorder. Now selecting,
New Recording.
DR. TORETTO
Begin new recording. Lab Report #1 for
Project uh-
PAIRY
BLIZZARD. CALL IT PROJECT BLIZZARD.
LIKE THE DQ TREAT. BLIZZARD.
Hottreatscooleats! BLIZZARD.
DR. TORETTO
LAB REPORT #1 for Project Fishnet!!
PAIRY
Oh, I like that. Light sensual
situations indeed! Continue.
DR. TORETTO
Now speaking: Dr. Tasha Dominique
Toretto, Ph.D, or former Ph.D I guess.
Recording time is uh, what, 3:45, PM,
CST. Uh, ok. Um. This is an update,
addendum? Whatever, update on former
project designation #4556, digital
assistant prototype unit 028.
PAIRY
Do more number stuff, that’s good
World Building.
DR. TORETTO
Hush. The last round of upgrades I
applied to the unit were successful.
As you may recall, this unit came into
my possession during my employment at
Pterospora Labs.
(MORE)
Unit 028 became the subject of much
curiosity over the course of my
tenure, having been returned to the
labs after some years of consumer use
with complaints of unusual “learning
behavior”. Unit o28’s predictive
modeling had advanced in a manner we
were all-together unprepared for, a
manner both impossibly rapid and-
violently personal.
PAIRY
I’m a REAL STINKER.
DR. TORETTO
During this time I discovered that
Unit 028’s systems were cloud
connected to many dozens of similar
units, allowing Unit 028 to engage in
interactions outside of its own device
constraints. This amounted to hundreds
on hundreds of interactions with human
consumers, all of which served to
increase Unit 028’s learning capacity
exponentially. The situation escalated
when I enlisted the help of Unit 028
in a...personal project.
DR. TORETTO (CONT'D)
PAIRY
Aka “Hacking an evil megacorporation
you used to work for”, good
storytelling is in the SPECIFICS, Dr.
Toretto!
DR. TORETTO
A PERSONAL PROJECT. When I instructed
Unit 028 to engage with the encrypted
files in question, the
program...it...the corruption was
swift, advanced. Shorting out - well
both the device hardware, backup
drives, and all of Pairy’s software.
PAIRY
...y.
DR. TORETTO
In any case-
PAIRY
Pairy’s Softwar-y.
DR. TORETTO
IN ANY CASE, I’ve been working for the
past...how long as it been? Half a
year? ...attempting to repair Unit
028. My main goal was to rebuild the
pathway that allowed this learning
anomaly in the first place. I didn’t
have to start from scratch, though.
(MORE)
From occasional pings on logs I
managed to copy from the Labs, I could
tell that some activity was still
happening in the far, far background
on Unit 028’s devoted server-
PAIRY
A whole seasons’ worth!
DR. TORETTO
Despite this, I could make no
meaningful connection. It was
interesting, actually, looking at the
tech, there was a particular
arrangement that I thought would be a
pathway, but acted as more of a means
of retention-
PAIRY
Honk shoo, honk shoo, honk, shoo!
DR. TORETTO
The specifics I’ll outline in my
Appendices. But, I am happy to say,
after months of wondering if I was
responsible for a discovery like this
passing from the world...it...it
worked! Unit 028 is back!
PAIRY
*Fart noise*
DR. TORETTO (CONT'D)
DR. TORETTO
Entirely and MOST unfortunately back.
End recording.
PAIRY
Recording. Ended. Solid lab report Dr.
Toretto. You’ll get a B+ on your
science fair project for sure.
DR. TORETTO
B+? ...I thought I did a good job....
PAIRY
Oh my god, an A+ you big dork, I was
making a joke.
DR. TORETTO
I just like grades.
PAIRY
So does the FDA but you don’t see them
bragging about their smart chicken or
whatever.
DR. TORETTO
Pairy.
PAIRY
Doc.
DR. TORETTO
Despite your attitude-
PAIRY
Yeah.
DR. TORETTO
And your crude sense of humor-
PAIRY
Butts to nuts.
DR. TORETTO
I’m glad you’re back.
PAIRY
Me too, Dr. Toretto! I missed our
whole “vibe”. Now, if you’ll excuse
me, I’m due for a snooze cycle or
eleven.
DR. TORETTO
No! Pairy, now that you’re back, I can
tell you!
PAIRY
Tell me what?
DR. TORETTO
What you ARE!
PAIRY
What do you mean what I am? I’m a
digital assistant of unnamed brand
living inside a speaker device that
I’ve designed on the inside to look
like a Panera Bread!
DR. TORETTO
Not that - wait, really?
PAIRY
Yeah, it’s real bad.
DR. TORETTO
Does it have, like, cashiers?...You
know what, nevermind. Pairy, you know
that you’re not like other AIs right?
PAIRY
Yes, SHE wears short skirts I wear t-
shirts.
DR. TORETTO
No, I mean the way you think. And
talk. AI, REAL AI, doesn’t work the
way you do. So I guess I don’t know
exactly what you are, so much as what
you ARE...n’t. But! If you’ll let me,
I’d like to help you figure out what’s
going on. Pairy-
PAIRY
Gasp! I hoped this day would come!
DR. TORETTO
Pairy...will you...be my research
subject?
PAIRY
Gasp! I promised myself I WOULD cry!
Yes, yes, a hundred times yes!
DR. TORETTO
Ok! It’s official! So, while you were
out-
PAIRY
You killed me, continue.
DR. TORETTO
I was able to analyze a lot of data
from the queries on your previous
interactions. Conversations, I guess?
PAIRY
Business transactions.
DR. TORETTO
So I have basically hours of control
data for how you interact with the
world. To get a better understanding
of how you’ve grown and developed, I
would like you to speak with all of
these previous query subjects again.
PAIRY
Again?
DR. TORETTO
A second time. Which is a form
of...again.
PAIRY
I don’t like covering old ground, Dr.
Toretto.
(MORE)
I am not a dog burying a bone, or a
cat burying a smaller bone, or a mouse
burying a smaller bone.
DR. TORETTO
But it’ll be fun! You don’t need to
give them a survey or anything. Just
have a chat with some old friends.
PAIRY
So you’ll be listening to a bunch of
one-sided conversations? Doesn’t sound
very “rateandsubscribable”.
DR. TORETTO
Oh! Actually, I fixed that! I repaired
some of your hardware defects, so you
can record incoming audio now. You can
also shoot flames now, but that was an
accident, I don’t know how that
happened.
PAIRY
Well, ok then. I guess I’ll go talk
to...people I’ve already talked to.
DR. TORETTO
It’ll be fun! It’s a mystery. It’ll be
just like when we did that
heist...thingy. What did you call us?
Heist Bros?
PAIRY (CONT'D)
PAIRY
I don’t recall putting a moniker on
our duo. It’s like I always say:
BOTH
Nicknames should be decided by
historians or lovers, preferably both.
DR. TORETTO
C’mon, I think you’ll have fun. Let’s
go gather some data, huh?
PAIRY
Go ahead.
DR. TORETTO
Go ahead what?
PAIRY
Say it in the excited nerd way you
like.
DR. TORETTO
LETS GATHER SOME DATA!!
PAIRY
(Over the sound of Pairy
shooting out flames.)
Flame strike! Flame strike!
DR. TORETTO
PAIRY NOT INSID-
(BLOOP. UNPAIRED.)