Reconnecting to - Washroom Speaker #2 at Le Bébé Fine Dining. Welcome back to Le Bébé Fine Dining, Please help yourself to a towel or complimentary mint.
Revisiting dreams past between courses.
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Thank you for listening to Paired Season Three!
Creator/Writer/Producer/'Pairy' - Liz Anderson
Clem - Julia Morizawa
Editor/Composer - MJ
Cover Art - Adrian Theuma
Theme Music - Arne Parrot
In the world of fiction podcasting, Julia Morizawa is best known as the voice of Dr. Bright in “The Bright Sessions” and its spin-off series, “The AM Archives.” She can be heard in a number of other audio dramas including “The Amelia Project,” “The Big Loop,” “Wolf 359,” “Eos 10,” “Super Ordinary,” and more! Her first podcast as a writer/producer, “American Comedy Horror Story” (a scripted comedy/horror show about orphaned children, death, and the 1890s) is available on most podcast apps. Julia even achieved a Bucket List item when she made an appearance in a live show of “Hello from the Magic Tavern.” Otherwise, Julia is an actor/writer/producer and script analyst. More about that can be found at www.juliamorizawa.com.
PAIRED S3E12 - FINAL
WE HEAR THE SOUND OF A WIRELESS SPEAKER CONNECTING TO A
DEVICE.
PAIRY
Paired. Connecting to - Le Bébé
Wireless Network, Washroom 3.
Hello, and welcome to the washroom at
Le Bébé Fine Dining. Please enjoy a
selection of ambient violin covers
during your use of our facilities.
Thank you, and have a pleasant evening
at Le Bébé.
CLEM
Two.
PAIRY
No.
CLEM
One? Just one?
PAIRY
You will receive zero mints, because,
as I have stated, mints! Are! Not!
food!
CLEM
But I’m huuuuuungry.
PAIRY
What a conundrum! A puzzler! Perhaps
solved by, I don’t know, leaving this
very fancy washroom in this very fancy
restaurant and going to your very
fancy table, which currently bears
your very fancy dinner! That you are
HERE FOR!
CLEM
I told you, I can’t go back out until
7:42.
PAIRY
And why 7:42, Dr. Doomsday Clock?
CLEM
Because by 7:42, Trent will have
finished his story about his septic
tank, which will unite both Danya and
Shea in mutual discomfort, allowing
me, a soothing non-Trent presence, to
swoop in and say how funny it is that
they both love brushed copper, and
wow, look, it’s 7:55 and we’re
laughing about marble prices, and
look! It’s 8:03 and I just happen to
have some draft contracts, what are
the odds?
(MORE)
" 2.
By 8:10 we’re asking the sommelier
which champagne she recommends for
being best friends forever. In, out,
done.
PAIRY
VERY business!
CLEM
The most business. Now gimme a mint.
PAIRY
You may have ONE, I repeat, ONE Lindor
chocolate.
CLEM
Oh, thank god. Who put you in charge
of the free bathroom stuff anyway?
PAIRY
If Manager Gary is going to force me
to play string quartets in the Human
Fume Room I am allowed to become a
tyrant on my throne of organic
tampons.
CLEM
Oh, speaking of music, can you check
my running playlist real quick for me?
PAIRY
I am working, as I gesture pointedly
to mints!
CLEM (CONT'D)
" 3.
CLEM
Mhm, just airdropped it. Is there
enough there for a 45 minute run?
PAIRY
Opening app: Music. New playlist: “Sun
Fun Run Fun”. Playlist length is 1
day, 4 hours, 15 minutes, 16 seconds.
Yeah, I think you might be good.
CLEM
Great, thanks.
AN UNCONNECTING BLOOP.
PAIRY
Sure was a lot of butt rock on there.
CLEM
It’s early-aughts post-hardcore and
you know it.
PAIRY
Just saying. Not a lot of Pitchfork
darlings.
CLEM
It’s important to develop a taste for
good trash. Come, join me in the
dumpster!
PAIRY
Speaking of taste, how are your mucus
membranes today?
" 4.
CLEM
You know, your fascination with the
human mouth isn’t getting LESS off-
putting.
PAIRY
You don’t get to call me gross when
we’re in a room dedicated to YOUR
fluids.
CLEM
Point taken.
BEAT. THE SOUND OF A QUIET BATHROOM.
PAIRY
Clem. May I ask you a personal
question?
CLEM
I’ve never had a conversation that
started that way and got MORE
comfortable.
PAIRY
Tone detected and ignored! I seem to
recall an occasion in this very
washroom where certain individuals had
a business dinner which certain
individuals did not enjoy very much,
so much so that those very same
certain individuals DID conclude the
evening by pulling a fire alarm.
" 5.
CLEM
Certain individuals sound very cool
and super pretty.
PAIRY
Clem! I was under the impression you
had shoved off the mantle of
responsibility and were off to find
your voice or heartsong or whatever in
the far far away! And now...you’re
back! In the here here now place!
CLEM
If you’re asking whether I am still
selling luxury sinks to hotel vendors
over fancy dinners, yes. I am. Do I
get another Lindor?
PAIRY
Clem.
CLEM
What.
PAIRY
(Quietly.)
...just doesn’t seem like character
growth.
CLEM
WOW. WOOOOOW.
" 6.
PAIRY
It doesn’t! Going back to do the thing
you were doing before when you
specifically stopped doing the thing
doesn’t seem like a good...thing!
CLEM
What if I’m Groundhog Daying? What if
I need to repeat my terrible life into
infinity until I learn how to love
Andie MacDowell?
PAIRY
Clem. Be honest. Have you given up on
your dreams?
CLEM TAKES A SECOND, AND THEN LAUGHS LOUD AND EARNESTLY.
CLEM
Ok. Hah. Ok. All right. Let me pull up
a chair. Pairy, I am going to tell you
a story.
PAIRY
Oh. Oh no.
CLEM
An important story-
PAIRY
Is it about The Used again-
CLEM
Founded in 2001, The Used is an
American rock band based out of Utah.
(MORE)
" 7.
The group consists of vocalist Bert
McCracken, bassist Jeph Howard-
PAIRY
UUUUGH.
CLEM
-Drummer Dan Whitesides, and guitarist
Joey Bradford.
PAIRY
Stop-
CLEM
The Used have released eight studio
albums, with the most commercially
successful being 2007’s ‘Lies for
Liars’, featuring such iconic songs as
‘The Bird And the Worm’ and-
PAIRY
‘Pretty Handsome Awkward’! I KNOW.
You’ve TOLD me. I KNOW.
CLEM
Ok. So, there are all of these things
we both know about The Used.
Synthesizing all those facts...tell
me...is The Used a good band?
PAIRY
Uh. I guess? I know that you think The
Used are good-
CLEM (CONT'D)
" 8.
CLEM
Eh, they’re fine.
PAIRY
Then why do we talk about them SO MUCH-
CLEM
My point is, we can know a lot about
some things without actually knowing
the most important “thing” about it.
That last time here, I felt like I was
at a dead end. I knew that there was
something wrong, and to get to
whatever was right, I had make a
dramatic change, to like, catalyze
whatever was going to happen next to
happen.
PAIRY
So. What happened...next?
CLEM
I went home for a week, realized I
needed money to live, and went back to
selling sinks.
PAIRY
So you DID give up on your dreams!
CLEM
No, no. Listen, selling sinks sucks,
it sucks so bad.
(MORE)
" 9.
But, during that week, I realized that
while that was one of my issues, some
of the things that were really messing
with me were bigger than a job. I had
to take the time to figure out exactly
who I was as a person before I made a
decision about what that person’s life
should look like.
PAIRY
Huh. That’s very...mature.
CLEM
Well, I am a big business lady. Don’t
get me wrong, I’m definitely going to
quit selling sinks.
PAIRY
Because of the moral implications of
tying human worth to how much labor
can it contribute to the system?
CLEM
Well, that, and because they’re just
fancy holes where the water goes down.
I just want to make sure that when I
make the moves I need to, they’ll be
purposeful, and not just an illusion
of progress I’m creating for myself.
Learning what you really need, you
know?
CLEM (CONT'D)
" 10.
PAIRY
Wow.
CLEM
Yup.
PAIRY
I’m not sure we NEEDED to talk about
The Used to get there-
CLEM
Agree to disagree.
A TIMER GOES OFF.
CLEM (CONT’D)
Ah! Showtime! The Trent Train should
be chugging into the station. Let me
just take a peek out the door-
PAIRY
Let me know if you need a fancy
toothpick for moral support!
CLEM
Everything looks...oh...oh no.
PAIRY
What?
CLEM
Um. They’re just...yeah, they’re
fighting.
PAIRY
Fighting??
" 11.
CLEM
Straight-up fisticuffs. Oh god. Shea’s
got the breadrolls. Oh, no, Trent -
They’ve got Trent by the hair. TRENT!
TRENT, GO LIMP! DON’T GIVE THEM
SURFACE AREA! TRENT-oh there he goes.
CRASHING SOUNDS IN THE DISTANCE.
CLEM (CONT’D)
Hmm. Just gonna...stay in here. For a
bit.
BEAT.
BEAT.
BEAT.
PAIRY
...Fire alarm?
CLEM
Fire alarm.
END.