Reconnecting to - Erika's Phone --- Pondering the news you can REALLY use.
Thank you for listening to Paired Season Three!
Creator/Writer/Producer/'Pairy' - Liz Anderson
Erika - Symphony Sanders
Editor/Composer - MJ
Cover Art - Adrian Theuma
Theme Music - Arne Parrot
Symphony Sanders is a Chicago based actor who voices Tamika Flynn on the podcast Welcome to Nightvale, cohosts Good Morning Nightvale, as well as being featured in numerous other podcasts (Unwell, Our Fair City, Pounded in the butt by my podcast , etc) and done regional theatre around Chicago (Chicago Shakespeare, The Goodman , raven theatre etc) when not acting or podcasting she is an aerialist and fitness instructor!
PAIRED S3E13
WE HEAR THE SOUND OF A DEVICE CONNECTING TO A WIRELESS
SPEAKER.
PAIRY
Paired. Connecting to - Erika’s Phone.
ERIKA
Ohhh, look! The parking stub from my
first interview at the Trib.
PAIRY
‘New notification from: Resume
Builder. Please add (3) special skills
to complete document “Updated Resume
v3.”’
ERIKA
Ah! The little llama card from the ad
team for my birthday last year! I love
llamas. Tall, soft, creepy dogs.
PAIRY
So, if we get your resume out tonight
we can put in a good word with the
Arts & Culture section in Indianapolis-
ERIKA
Awww, the clipping from my first
byline. This was actually hard to get,
huuuuge coupon section that day. Like
my professor always said: ‘A
journalists’ worst enemy is BOGO
kidney beans.’
PAIRY
...did they really say that? Always?
ERIKA
All the time. On repeat. Like a
cockatoo.
PAIRY
Uh-huh. Anyway, I’ve got all your
essentials lined up for the job
search, if you do some cover letters
in the next hour we can hit the ground
running-
ERIKA
Pairy, please! Just take a second and
look at this big old tub of stuff. My
whole journalism career is in here!
PAIRY
It is impressive! You should be proud.
ERIKA
Fifteen years of print journalism. All
right there.
PAIRY
It sure is.
THE SOUND OF A MATCH, AND A SUDDEN ‘POOF.’
ERIKA
And now it’s on fire.
2.
PAIRY
And now it’s on fire-NOW IT’S ON
FIRE!! FIRE! Why did you set it on
FIRE???
ERIKA
Pairy, I said I was going to do this
all day.
PAIRY
I thought you were using your WRITERLY
PROSE for ILLUSTRATIVE PURPOSES.
ERIKA
I literally put the event “Burn
Journalism Memories In Tribute To
Pantheon of the Written Word” on my
calendar this morning. What did you
think was going to happen?
PAIRY
I don’t know! Like, maybe we would
talk for about career goals and what
it means to be alive and then we’d
decide to do something chill after
having learned a lesson as a duo!
ERIKA
Sounds boring. I like fire better.
PAIRY
Well I can see that NOW.
PAIRY “HUMPHS”.
3.
PAIRY (CONT’D)
Erika...I know you are upset about the
untimely closure of the Bay Times-
Picayune, a company you have worked
for over the course of five tumultuous
years-
ERIKA
(Sing-songy.)
Going on a trip in our summary ship to
Planet Exposition...
PAIRY
But...and I’m just an out-of-date AI
with a middle-tier forecasting
algorithm...but I can’t help but worry
that burning your precious ephemera
will have unknown repercussions!
ERIKA
What sort of repercussions?
PAIRY
...Unknown ones!
ERIKA
Pairy. You know as well as I do that
journalism is, has been, and will
continue to be a tightrope of a job.
We all knew this was coming - they
started using the printers to make
Burger King crowns MONTHS ago.
And, listen!
(MORE)
4.
I thought I would feel different too!
I thought that when the job was
finally, truly gone, I would feel
determined, or sad, or SOMETHING.
But...I don’t know. When it finally
happened, it felt like just another
day at the office.
PAIRY
Well, pretty pointedly not at the
office.
ERIKA
Which is why, when I got the idea of
burning some old stuff, I was weirdly
jazzed. It was the first real feeling
I was having about all of it. So I
just did it. With style, too! I put
fresh herbs in there! It smells like a
PIZZA!
PAIRY
It is pretty majestic.
Erika, I am sorry for jumping into the
job search for you so quickly. I guess
when crises occur I want to deal with
them right away. It’s like, literally
my whole thing.
ERIKA (CONT'D)
5.
ERIKA
And that’s fair! We’re allowed to
react differently to stuff. You find
me jobs, and I’ll make my living room
smell like an Olive Garden.
PAIRY
So you’re free to review these
listings I found on Monster dot com? I
feel like there are some great
opportunities if you expand your
definition of some things like, you
know, “office”, “desk”, “money”-
ERIKA
Pairy, I love you, I respect you, and
I need you to shut up forever.
PAIRY
You’re right, you’re right.
BEAT.
Well. That’s that then.
ERIKA
You don’t know what to do with
yourself now, huh?
PAIRY
Yeah, usually it takes up to twelve
minutes to resolve the central
conflict.
6.
ERIKA
Well, let’s just watch the fire then.
BEAT.
ERIKA (CONT’D)
Hey, Pairy?
PAIRY
Yeah?
ERIKA
...If a crab wore a hat, what kind of
hat would it wear?
BEAT.
PAIRY
(Quietly.)
...well it’s gotta be a fisherman’s
hat, right...
ERIKA
Absolutely not, that’s bonkers.
PAIRY
He’s a seafarer! He needs a little
knit cap so he can be identified as a
man of the sea!
ERIKA
You think a crab would wear the same
hat as the very fishermen that HUNT
him?
PAIRY
It’s a HAT of the SEA.
7.
ERIKA
Listen, crabs have one defining
feature, and it’s a big grabby claw,
and what is a big grabby claw GOOD for
if he doesn’t have a BRIMMED HAT TO
DOFF TO PASSERBY?
PAIRY
THAT’S LUDICROUS, IT WOULD FALL OFF IN
THE OCEAN, it would have NO PURCHASE
on the HEAD.
ERIKA
It would have an elastic!
PAIRY
Then that defeats THE AFOREMENTIONED
DOFFABILITY!
ERIKA
Oh, crabs aren’t allowed to be
motivated by pure aesthetic?
PAIRY
Of course they do, but one, that’s
showmanship for the sake of
showmanship, and two, THEY’RE CRABS.
ERIKA
Oh! I hope you enjoy your view looking
down on the beach from your IVORY
TOWER.
BEAT.
8.
BEAT. THEY LAUGH TOGETHER.
PAIRY
...you know, you could turn that into
a column. ‘Animal Hypotheticals’,
could be pretty viral-
ERIKA
Not everything has to be content
Pairy.
PAIRY
Yep, yep, sorry. “New notification
from Calendar. New event, “Burn
Journalism Memories in Tribute to the
Pantheon of the Written Word” begins
in fifteen minutes.”
ERIKA
Shoot, knew I was running early.
BEAT.
ERIKA (CONT’D)
..crabs would wear barbershop quartet
hats.
PAIRY
Oh. Yeah, totally, you’re right.