Reconnecting to - Trumble Home Security System --- Home insecurity.
Thank you for listening to Paired Season Three!
Creator/Writer/Producer/'Pairy' - Liz Anderson
Editor/Composer - MJ
Cover Art - Adrian Theuma
Theme Music - Arne Parrot
Derek - Jonathan Sims
Thomas - James D'Amato
Jonathan Sims is a writer, performer and games designer whose work primarily focuses on the macabre, the grotesque, and the gentle touch of creeping dread. He is the mind and the voice behind acclaimed horror podcast The Magnus Archives, as well as story-game design duo MacGuffin & Co., and some of your favourite nightmares. He lives in Walthamstow with the two best cats and an overwhelming backlog of books that he really should get round to.
James D'Amato hosts the One Shot and Campaign: Skyjacks podcasts on the One Shot Podcast Network. He is also the author of the Ultimate RPG Guide series by Admas Media. His latest book The Ultimate RPG Gamemaster's Worldbuilding Guide coming out in May, which is available for pre-order now.
PAIRED S3E14
WE HEAR THE SOUND OF A DEVICE CONNECTING TO A WIRELESS
SPEAKER.
PAIRY
Paired. Connecting to - Trumble Home
Security System.
DEREK
Pairy, check temperature.
THOMAS
Oh, turn on the Ambient Nature Sounds
playlist too.
DEREK
...We’re already outside. We’re in the
ambient nature.
THOMAS
Yes, but now it’s LOUD ambient nature,
and if Darcy from the street over
walks by and waves us over to see how
pregnant her dog is we have plausible
deniability.
DEREK
Ooh, good idea. But do the rainforest
at night loop though, that’s my
favorite.
PAIRY
Hi, just me, popping in to say it’s 68
Degrees Fahrenheit and you two are the
most boring people I’ve ever met.
THOMAS
Hey Pairy, instead of being spicy to
two kind souls trying to enjoy their
lawn, how about you go ahead and do a
full-home scan? Make sure everything’s
ok before we head to bed?
DEREK
Unless you require more attention-
seeking dopamine that will ultimately
rot your brain like a fine cheese.
PAIRY
Lucky for me I don’t have think meat.
OR feelings juice.
THOMAS
Please, just do the scan? For me? Your
favorite square?
PAIRY
FINE. But it’ll take about ten
minutes, so you’ll be deprived of my
sparkling conversation until then.
DEREK
Sparkling, loud, “horny in a bad way”-
PAIRY
TONE DETECTED AND IGNORED. Opening
app: Home Security Control Panel. Now
conducting, full-home status scan.
PAIRY BLOOPS TO INDICATE THE SCAN HAS BEGUN.
2.
THOMAS
Oh, speaking of scanning, we need to
replace all the CO detectors.
DEREK
Why? What happened to them?
THOMAS
Well, in that we never had them,
nothing. Looks like the last owners
just kinda stuck plastic discs to the
ceilings with duct tape. Which is
weirdly almost MORE work for them?
DEREK
Unsettling. Thank god we’re ok. Unless
we’ve been poisoned this whole time
and this is a lovely hallucination.
THOMAS
Oh, hallucinate me new sunglasses! I
want aviators!
DEREK
So, we’ll need at one for the
basement, first floor, second - put
that on top of the burst pipe in the
upstairs bathroom-
THOMAS
Don’t forget the dishwasher drain.
3.
DEREK
Ugh. Another home improvement month, I
guess.
THOMAS
Fourteenth in a row, by my count.
DEREK
No end in sight, that’s for sure.
THOMAS
Well. There COULD be. An end. Of
fixing. This house.
DEREK
Why are. You talking. Like. A Beckett.
Character.
THOMAS
...We could look into maybe staring to
see if maybe we could possibly sell-
DEREK
We’re not selling the house.
THOMAS
We need to sell the house.
DEREK
It’s fine! Home improvement is a part
of home ownership!
THOMAS
We’ve been improving the house for the
past two years! It’s not getting
better!
4.
DEREK
We’re just getting it back to the
studs. Strip it down so we can build
it back up again! Like a sports movie!
THOMAS
Derek, I need you to believe me when I
say, this house. Is. Hell. From now
on, whenever I see a movie about hell
in my immersion will be ruined,
because I and I alone am cursed with
the truth that when the damned open
their eyes in that fifth ring of
despair they will see not fire, not
brimstone, but the pee-yellow
wallpaper of THIS HOUSE. BECAUSE IT IS
HELL.
DEREK
....it’s rough around the edges.
THOMAS
You fell through the second floor last
month! Like in The Money Pit! A film
about a famously bad house!
DEREK
Ah, yes, but then I slid down the
loose ceiling like a fun indoor slide,
like in the movie Blank Check, which
featured a very GOOD house.
5.
THOMAS
Babe. I think you know as well as I do
that it’s time to sell. It’s worth
less than the land it stands on.
DEREK
Actually, the surveyor says there’s a
good chance the sinkhole out back will
eat up the block in the next ten
years. But....there’s still a lot to
like! I like it here!
THOMAS
I like it here too! When it’s not-
wait, shh, don’t look, don’t look,
don’t-
(To someone in the distance.)
Hi Darcy!
DEREK
Hi Darcy! Sorry, can’t hear you! Too
loud!
THOMAS
It’s the ambience!
DEREK
Uh-huh, bye! Yes she’s very big! Bye!
THOMAS
SO big! Byee! No, don’t...yep, bye!
(Back to normal volume.)
Ok, I’ll make you a bet.
(MORE)
6.
You and I are going to list all the
terrible things we’ve discovered about
the house in the past six months, and
if we get to fifteen, you have to make
an appointment with the realtor
tomorrow.
DEREK
Uh-huh. And if I win, you have pull up
the linoleum in the sun room.
THOMAS
Nooo! It squeaks like it knows it’s
going to die!
Fine, deal. I’ll start. Leaking roof.
DEREK
Burst hot water pipe, multiple.
THOMAS
Matted shag carpet.
DEREK
Bathroom tile is just one big sticker.
THOMAS
Kitchen four inches lower than the
rest of house for no reason.
DEREK
Mold in the drywall.
THOMAS
Ghost in the attic.
THOMAS (CONT'D)
7.
DEREK
It’s not a ghost, it’s a possum.
THOMAS
Whatever it is, it’s screaming.
DEREK
Um. Pantry is a little loose?
THOMAS
Back porch eaten by unknown bug.
DEREK
Oh, that’s fine, if you don’t, like,
walk on it. Or touch it. Or look at it-
THOMAS
A/C is busted.
DEREK
We can get window units!
THOMAS
Ghost in garage.
DEREK
It’s not a ghost-
THOMAS
Once again, the SCREAMING.
DEREK
Ok, ok-
THOMAS
Loose chimney. Hours of removing lead
paint. The half bath with no door in
or out!
8.
DEREK
Thom...
THOMAS
The muddy driveway, the dying maple
trees, that weird tub of KNIVES we
found in the crawlspace-
DEREK
OK. I GET IT.
BEAT.
DEREK (CONT’D)
Sorry. I’m sorry.
THOMAS
No, I’m sorry. I knew I was hitting a
nerve.
DEREK
But you’re right! The house sucks!
It’s creaky and smelly and for some
reason, like, sticky all the time?
I know we can’t stay. But, whenever I
think about moving my throat gets all
tight.
THOMAS
Listen, if you want, we can table it.
I’d prefer you being able to breathe.
DEREK
No, no, we need to be able to talk
about this kinda stuff.
(MORE)
9.
If I pretend everything is fine, and
you make the rational point that
things are not fine, that’s not even
an argument. That’s just people
talking at each other.
(A pause.)
Look, you know growing up was...hard.
THOMAS
I know.
DEREK
And Mom and Sam and I, we got to the
other side! We did! But how can you
tell your brain it doesn’t need to
worry anymore, when’s that how it
worked for 90 percent of your life? I
have everything I need, but I can’t
get over feeling like I need to hold
it so tight, or it’ll disappear.
THOMAS
Derek-
PAIRY
Full-home status scan is now complete.
Now reading, full-home status scan
results-
THOMAS
PAUSE RESULTS.
DEREK (CONT'D)
10.
PAIRY
Ooop, sorry sorry, sorry, just muting
right now sorry sorry-
PAIRY BLOOPS OFF.
THOMAS
Ok. So. I don’t think you should talk
yourself out of your fears. I wish I
could sit here and say nothing bad is
going to happen-
DEREK
I know. I’m an adult, I know that.
THOMAS
Babe, I’m not trying to pep talk you.
I can sit here and say that I
understand where you’re coming from,
but I also know there’s no way I can
understand all of it. But I want you
to know that I’ll do everything in my
power to support you, and set us up
for whatever we define as success.
We’ll make the best version of
whatever sort of life happens to us.
...If you say, “No, I’m not ready,”
then we’re not ready. Ok?
DEREK
Uh-huh.
BEAT.
11.
DEREK (CONT’D)
Let’s give it a bit, ok?
THOMAS
Of course.
Hey. I love you.
DEREK
I love you too.
PAIRY
And I love BOTH of you.
THOMAS
How much of that did you hear?
PAIRY
Next to nothing! I zoned out looking
at a bug.
DEREK
Good enough. Pairy, volume up on the
rainforest noises?
PAIRY
You got it!
BEAT.
PAIRY (CONT’D)
Also, your basement’s flooded.
BOTH
WHAT???