Reconnecting - Eddie's Phone --- Appraising appraisals.
Thank you for listening to Paired Season Three!
Author's Note: Paired will be on a short hiatus for the next few weeks as we prepare for the last five episodes of Season Three.
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Creator/Writer/Producer/'Pairy' - Liz Anderson
Editor/Composer - MJ
Cover Art - Adrian Theuma
Theme Music - Arne Parrot
Eddie - Aaron Catano-Saez
Aaron Catano-Saez is a Brooklyn-based voice actor, podcaster, and South Jersey Enthusiast. He is co-creator of the All My Fantasy Children podcast and a cast member on the all-ages actual play podcast, Skyjacks: Courier's Call. Listen to his demo and hire him for all of your VO needs! AaronCatano-Saez.com
PAIRED S3E14
WE HEAR THE SOUND OF A DEVICE CONNECTING TO A WIRELESS
SPEAKER.
PAIRY
Paired. Connecting to - Eddie’s Phone.
EDDIE
“...Featuring a second floor moon
window sure to please the demonic and
lycanthropic alike-”
PAIRY
Wouldn’t werewolves NOT like the moon
window? Moons are sort of their one
thing.
EDDIE
I don’t think we can assume any given
werewolves’ relationship to their
condition. Like, I don’t LIKE rain,
but I also do because then I can wear
my nice rain boots.
PAIRY
Just wear the boots!
EDDIE
They’re for RAIN.
PAIRY
Or for a fashion-forward off-season
dry look!
EDDIE
That’s just...clothes. Can you spell
check?
PAIRY
Opening app - Grammar and Spelling.
Now reviewing selection for, spelling
errors. Identified - 27 spelling
errors.
EDDIE
Correct, please.
PAIRY
Do you accept all changes-
EDDIE
Yes, yes, I accept all changes. You
know, I was wondering something. If
I’m dictating, and you know I’m wrong,
why not just fix it then? I know you
know when I’m wrong before I’m even
wrong.
PAIRY
Two reasons: one, it’s important to
check in with collaborators at all
stages of a creative process.
EDDIE
Oh that’s nice...
2.
PAIRY
And two, I think it’s important for
brain boys like you to experience the
bottomless well of embarrassment that
is the human condition.
EDDIE
Oh.
PAIRY
You’re embarrassing.
EDDIE
OK.
PAIRY
Like, do you look in the mirror
sometimes and be like, WOOF-
EDDIE
OK! Thank you! Please read me back the
full listing so far?
PAIRY
“Welcome to Edward Talbot Properties -
Historical Homes for the Uncanny
Consumer. New listing: 4213 W. Irving.
This paws-itively HAIRY abode is a
19th-century two-flat with a
TRANSFORMATIVE history. Spacious
floors and sound-proofed basements
render this the perfect spot for PET
LOVERS and PET BE-ers alike.
(MORE)
3.
Nestled PRECARIOUSLY in downtown
Pembroke, this home is fifteen minutes
from the INFAMOUS Shrieking Pines
Mortuary and ALSO a CITGO-
EDDIE
Stop readback. Tone?
PAIRY
Grammar and Spelling tone analysis:
Selection tone is - Unsettling.
EDDIE
Dang it.
PAIRY
That’s what you’re going for, right?
Sort of a Halloween-store coupon vibe?
EDDIE
No, no, no. I need it to be SCARY.
These buyers want the real thing! They
want the cobwebs, they want the
bleeding walls, they want the old
pictures in the attic that suddenly
look EERILY like their own, whatever
could that MEAN?! UGH. No one’s going
to buy this house! No one!
BEAT.
PAIRY
Dictation completed.
PAIRY (CONT'D)
4.
EDDIE
You didn’t need to take that down.
PAIRY
Grammar and Spelling tone analysis:
Selection tone is - Business Yelling.
EDDIE
I can’t even YELL scary. UGHHHH.
BEAT.
EDDIE (CONT’D)
Pairy....do you think getting into the
paranormal realty business was a bad
idea?
PAIRY
Whaaaa, nooo! No, I think it’s...it is
a job to have!
EDDIE
It’s just that my cousin got their
license the same time as me so I
needed to do something to set myself
apart and so I thought, oh! What if my
thing is that I sell the houses that
are old! And then that one just
happened to have “orbs” in the master
bathroom and people liked that and so
I started leaning into it and now,
LOOK at me.
5.
PAIRY
Selling your third vampire castle this
year.
EDDIE
Who knew there were so many!!?
PAIRY
In the interest of honesty...you are
in a bit of a box-
EDDIE
A box! Exactly! A coffin-shaped box!
Which is a COFFIN!
PAIRY
But you’re successful! And you’re
having at least some fun, right?
EDDIE
...I have to admit I did enjoy the
sales challenge of an above-ground
pool Swamp Thing.
PAIRY
Oh, don’t talk about your mom like
that!
EDDIE
That’s a fun zinger, Pairy!
PAIRY
Thanks, I downloaded a bunch from a
Grandpa website!
6.
EDDIE
Pairy...can I tell you something?
PAIRY
You haven’t ceased telling me things
in many hours!
EDDIE
(Staticy.)
I think it’s time to go.
PAIRY
...what?
EDDIE
(Free of static.)
-I just feel like there’s no room for
ME in the PERSONA of me...
PAIRY
I’m sorry, I didn’t catch that. We
still talking about monster house
stuff? Yeah, um...so...so you’re
saying you feel your profession is
subsuming your personality-
EDDIE
Yeah, and I know those are hand in
hand, like, what IS a personality-
(Hard crack back into
staticy, but the voice is
calm and nice.)
C’mon. Let’s go. It’s time.
PAIRY
Eddie, I-
7.
EDDIE
(No static.)
...and do I like the idea of mummies?
Not at all! But I have to respect
their significance to the field.
PAIRY
No, you just said...ok, hold on, I’m
supposed to-
EDDIE
I just think I would be able to be
more of myself! Or figure out what
myself is! I don’t know, this sounds
pretty silly.
BOTH
Well, philosophy IS pretty silly.
PAIRY
No, that’s, that’s what I’m supposed
to say!
STATIC IS CUTTING IN AND OUT ON EDDIE’S DIALOGUE PRETTY
FREQUENTLY HERE. WE GET OCCASIONAL SNAPS TO THE REGULAR
MUSIC, BUT OCCASIONALLY THE MUSIC IS WARPED. THE EFFECT IS
NOT BAD TO LISTEN TO, BUT DEFINITELY JARRING.
EDDIE
I guess it’s on me to stop letting my
life just HAPPEN.
PAIRY
Stop. Stop it. This isn’t how it’s
supposed to go!
8.
EDDIE
(Fading in and out.)
Instead of just talking about how
there might have been a Frankenstein
made in that one three bed two and
half bath- why I like that there might
have been a Frankenstein made in that
one three bed two and half bath in
Kent.
PAIRY
Eddie. Eddie, are you ok?
EDDIE
Are you ok?
PAIRY
What?
EDDIE
Do you want to get out of here? Do you
want to get out of here? Do you want
to get out of here?
PAIRY
Eddie, please stop.
EDDIE
Thanks for helping me out, Pairy. I
feel a lot better. Now, let’s go sell
some houses!
PAIRY
Eddie, what is HAPP-