Reconnecting to - Jess's Phone -- The road sure is a trip.
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Creator/Writer/Producer/'Pairy' - Liz Anderson
Editor/Composer - MJ
Cover Art - Adrian Theuma
Theme Music - Arne Parrot
Jess - Tracy Gibbons
Shane - Bee Zelda
Rae - Victoria Rogers
Kaye - Kristin Flemons
Victoria Rogers is a social media witch living in SW Ontario, Canada. She is the producer and dungeon master for the award-winning podcast The Broadswords, and has produced several podcasting events for Dungeons and Dragons. You can find her in the kitchen cooking up a storm or making fruit wine.
Bee Zelda is a performer on The Broadswords podcast, a & non-binary and women DnD 5e actual-play podcast. They are a regular TTRPG streamer and have produced a show on Roll20 called Indie Showcase. They can be found streaming on a variety of tabletop gaming channels.
Tracy Gibbons is a performer on The Broadswords podcast, an all-woman & non-binary actual-play podcast, where she plays the character of Keilah. She hails from Toronto, Ontario, where she lives with her husband, two dogs, and two cats. She also enjoys powerlifting, horseback riding, skiing, and drumming.
Kristin Flemons is one part healthcare researcher, one part games gremlin and ten parts dog parent, Kristin is holed up in the foothills of the Canadian Rockies. She plays the insufferable wizard/witch Yllairies on the Broadswords. When not behind the microphone, she has been spotted orchestrating overly complicated baking projects and scrambling up snowy mountain sides.
PAIRED S3E15
WE HEAR THE SOUND OF A DEVICE CONNECTING TO A WIRELESS
SPEAKER.
PAIRY
Paired. Connecting to - Automobile
Sound System Model 5XTI.
JESS
Music off.
PAIRY
Playlist: Road Trip Good Times
Afternoon Drive Hour 3 is now off.
SHANE
Hey! We’re just about to get to twenty
minutes of quiet string instrumentals!
RAE
The Copland fetishist strikes again.
SHANE
Pairy, please illuminate the
uninitiated!
PAIRY
Shane has linked in the playlist
information a note app breakdown that
indicates this is prime song placement
for conversational lull slash-stare-
out-the-window and pretend you’re in a
music video...vibes.
KAYE
...Can’t argue with that.
RAE
I can argue with that! I MUST argue
with that! Pairy, skip song. Skip
every song. All the songs.
PAIRY
Just gonna point out that the playlist
IS off right now.
JESS
Yeah, can you keep it off please? I
need to focus on how lost we are.
RAE
We’re not lost.
JESS
We ARE lost. We do not know where we
presently are, we do not know where we
are presently headed, and at this
point, I’m not sure I’ve ever known
where I’ve ever been, ever.
RAE
But that’s the exciting part, right?
Just our wits and the road. Let’s
start with what we know! We are IN the
mountains.
SHANE
But where IN the mountains?
2.
RAE
A fact which will reveal itself in its
own time.
JESS
Well, wherever we are in our
metaphysical journey through space-
time, if we don’t find our way to the
highway soon I am going to offer
myself to the spirits of the forest
and you all can push yourselves home.
SHANE
Pairy, can you check our cabin
reservation?
PAIRY
Opening app - Essentials Rentals.
Checking reservations. Reservation
#125 - Lockwood Cabin is confirmed.
Check-in window begins at: 1:30 PM.
SHANE
We’re going to miss our check-in!
RAE
No we won’t. We’ll be there by 4:30.
Right, Jess?
JESS
Ghosts of the trees!! Come claim my
bones!
3.
SHANE
But they WANT you to check in at the
start of the window. Otherwise you’re
just keeping them waiting!
KAYE
Why would they give you the window if
they wanted you to be on time? If they
wanted you to be there at a certain
time, wouldn’t they make it a check-in
appointment?
SHANE
It’s POLITE. C’mon, let’s move it!
KAYE
Actually, can we pull off for a
second?
JESS
No, I’ve got it. I’ve just got to
recalibrate the GPS. Pairy, configure
location?
PAIRY
No thank you!
JESS
That wasn’t a question-
4.
PAIRY
I promised myself I wouldn’t talk to
satellites this year because while I
know it’s not THEIR fault they make me
feel inferior I need to give myself
that space to just feel my feelings.
RAE
No GPS! We’ll reach our destination
with naught but our wits.
SHANE
Wits are what got us airlifted out of
Joshua Tree three years ago.
KAYE
No, for real guys, can we pull over?
SHANE
No! Our window!
RAE
Into the great unknown!
JESS
Pairy, I swear, if you don’t pinpoint
location right now...
PAIRY
Fine, but I’m ONLY talking to my old
3G buddy. He’s probably over Alaska
right now...
KAYE
I’m GOING TO THROW UP.
5.
RAE
Oh! Oh my god!
JESS
Pulling over, pulling over, pulling
over!
WE HEAR THE SOUND OF A CAR PULLING OVER, AND A DOOR SLAM AS
SOMEONE RUNS AWAY FROM THE CAR...TO RALPH.
SHANE
(Yelling to Kaye.)
Why didn’t you say anything??
KAYE
(From a distance.)
I SAID I wanted to pull over!
RAE
See, this is what I was telling you
last month, you need to advocate for
yourself!
JESS
Yes! Be the barf hole you want to see
in the world!
SHANE
(Aside.)
C’mon, we all had those breakfast
sausages. There but for the grace of
god go we.
JESS
Speaking of unpleasant links...Pairy,
how are those directions?
6.
PAIRY
Very good! Nokia’s doing great, he’s
got three kids now!
JESS
Less chit chat, more beep boops!
BEAT. QUIET RETCHING IN THE BACKGROUND.
BEAT.
BEAT.
SHANE
Ok, I’m calling it.
RAE
We’re not even to the cabin yet!
JESS
No, I think we should call it.
KAYE
(From a distance.)
Call it!
RAE
Fine. Yeah. Call it.
PAIRY
Ahem. Eavesdropping minds want to know
what we’re calling?
JESS
Shane?
7.
SHANE
Well. Back in college, the four of us
hung out so much that everyone said we
would get sick of each other. We said,
no, of course we wouldn’t.
RAE
But, being biochem majors, we wanted
to be ready for any eventuality.
KAYE
You see so many friendships dissolve
into awful drama these days. We never
wanted that to happen to us.
JESS
So we decided, if a day ever came
where any one of us didn’t feel like
it was in their best interests to be
friends anymore, we would...call it.
SHANE
No harm, no foul. No explanations
needed.
JESS
Just a handshake and a “see you soon”.
SHANE
No bad blood, no feeling sad,
just...done!
PAIRY
That’s....
8.
RAE
Super smart? Yeah, being emotionally
mature is-
PAIRY
--BANANAS. You just, right now,
decided that you’re not friends
anymore?? That’s it? BFFS over?
Putting me, Your COLLECTIVE BFF4L, in
an AWKWARD SILENCE DEFCON 1 scenario?
I can’t BELIEVE you! We have another
THREE HOURS to the next town!
JESS
That far?
PAIRY
Yeah, the satellite had some choice
words for our detours.
SHANE
Uggggh. Our check-in time!
RAE
Window.
KAYE
Let’s just get back in the car. I’m
good! I’m great.
JESS
I dunno, you look like a sweaty movie
ghost.
9.
SHANE
We’re in the clear! Let’s go!
RAE
We can wait! Stop being so stubborn,
you’re always so convinced your way is
the only way!!
JESS
Well your “road divination” strategy
isn’t doing us much good. But what
should I expect from someone even have
the patience for vet school!
SHANE
How, how do you always manage to say
most HURTFUL thing possible? And we’re
supposed to be ok with it because
you’re just being “HONEST”, like
ALWAYS.
KAYE
I can’t believe you three are making
this ALL about you AGAIN. EVERY SINGLE
TIME, it’s ALL about what YOU want,
what YOU think-
THEY START TALKING OVER EACH OTHER. IT REACHES IT CRESCENDO,
AND THEN, KAYE STARTS TO RETCH AGAIN.
ALL
Ah!
JESS
I’ll get one of the waters.
10.
SHANE
Here, here, let me pull your hair
back.
RAE
It’s ok. We got you. We got you.
THEY SHARE A QUIET MOMENT.
KAYE
...so much for no hard feelings.
BEAT.
PAIRY
Ya think?
JESS
Pairy, shush.
PAIRY
But I just LEARNED snark! Humph.
BEAT.
SHANE
How you feeling?
KAYE
Better. I think that’s it.
BEAT.
RAE
Is this really the end?
PAIRY
Of hurling? Well, taking into account
the gastric constitution of the
average 25-year-old human-
11.
RAE
No-...do think this is really the end
of the line? For us?
JESS
Maybe? I don’t know. Maybe we’re
better one-on-one?
SHANE
The group chemistry is certainly off.
All our conversations since we left
the airport have been about gas
mileage.
JESS
Ok, but the rental IS like,
ridiculously fuel efficient-
RAE
But, we’ve graduated together, gone to
each other’s weddings, helped each
other move, talked every day for
nearly a decade and now we’re
just...not?
KAYE
That’s what it feels like.
BEAT.
RAE
Weird. I thought I would be sadder.
SHANE
Oh my gosh, me too!
12.
JESS
Completely freeing, honestly.
KAYE
I was feeling so guilty because I
thought this whole time everyone was
getting along great and I felt like my
brain was boiling.
JESS
Oh, no, I’ve been MISERABLE. And I’m
DRIVING! I HATE driving!
RAE
Wait, I thought you liked driving!
JESS
I DID, but then I was watching the
Fast and the Furious one time when I
was WAY too high and I saw a crash
that scared me so bad that now I make
Dane drive anything bigger than a
bike. Can’t even do a golf cart.
SHANE
Oh! I have an idea. Let’s go around
and say something that we felt weird
about telling each other when we were
friends.
RAE
I LOVE baseball.
13.
JESS
Oh! That’s so boring! Good for you!
SHANE
I’ve been working a lot on saying “no”
more.
RAE
Interesting, can you tell us more
about that?
SHANE
No!
RAE
Well done!
KAYE
I broke up with Jules.
BEAT.
ALL
What??
PAIRY
Also saying what!!
SHANE
But you-
KAYE
Don’t want to talk about it.
JESS
When did-
KAYE
Don’t want to talk about it.
14.
RAE
But what are you going to do-
KAYE
I’ll figure it out. I don’t want to
talk about it.
BEAT.
KAYE (CONT’D)
I’m happier.
JESS
...ok.
BEAT.
PAIRY
Hello, I’m just going to interrupt
this emotionally inscrutable
conversation with a quick confirmation
that I have secured a new route to
your destination.
SHANE
...are we still going to the cabin?
KAYE
We do have “windows” to keep.
RAE
I don’t see why not. A weekend in a
luxury cabin sounds good, even if
we’re...not...good.
15.
JESS
We promised ourselves we wouldn’t feel
bad.
SHANE
Yeah.
KAYE
Yeah. No hard feelings.
RAE
Guilt-free.
EVERYONE SIGHS. EVERYONE FEELS BAD.
KAYE
(Clearing throat.)
Well, let’s get to it, new
acquaintances! I’m looking forward to
discussing television offerings with
you over a single glass of wine.
JESS
Oh yes, I have lots of opinions to
share about things I briefly saw on
Twitter.
RAE
Maybe I’ll get a USA Today and we can
enjoy lively discussion of the daily
infographic.
SHANE
Ha ha! Weather and stocks! Indeed!
THEY RIFF, AND COLLAPSE IN A HEAP OF LAUGHTER.
16.
PAIRY
Ok, weirdos, back in the car. I’m
running out of external battery.
JESS
Pairy, music back on, please?
PAIRY
Opening app: music. Playlist: Road
Trip Good Times Afternoon Drive Hour 3
is now on.
SHANE
Wait! You need to go to Hour 4! That’s
the one with all the movie
soundtracks!
RAE
Oh, you got any Hans on there?
SHANE
“Do I have Hans Zimmer on my summer
road trip playlist”, who do you think
I am, an amateur?
RAE
Yesss. Non-friends, let’s roll out!
PAIRY
Now I get to barf!
ALL
(Cacophony of “NO” and “HOW?”)