Reconnecting to - Kelly's Phone --- We ask for grace and patience during this time of great change at WeGo and WeGo's strategic partners. This week's episode is brought to you by Fun City! Check out the show notes for more details.
Thank you for listening to Paired Season Three!
Make sure to leave us a review if you're enjoying the show - it really does help other listeners discover Paired!
Creator/Writer/Producer/'Pairy' - Liz Anderson
Editor/Composer - MJ
Cover Art - Adrian Theuma
Theme Music - Arne Parrot
Kelly - Jenn de la Vega
Jenn de la Vega is a community-oriented caterer based in Brooklyn, NY. She authored and styled Showdown: Comfort Food, Chili & BBQ (Page Street/MacMillan) and serves as editor at large of Put A Egg On It. Jenn has built a unique culinary practice mashing up experiential with visual art and food through residencies at TASTE Cooking (Penguin-Random House), Babycastles Gallery, and Kickstarter. Her kaleidoscopic recipes appear on Food52, Thrillist, Yummly, and Wine Enthusiast. Currently, she is developing Nicole Taylor's upcoming Watermelon & Red Birds (Simon & Schuster) and voices Vivian Lakewood on the Shadowrun podcast Fun City.
This week's episode is brought to you by Fun City:
Fun City is a fully sound designed and scored, narrative-driven actual play TTRPG podcast set in a futuristic New York City, where magic is real and the rent is still too damn high. The audience accompanies smooth talker Luxe, ork-jock Lash, mysterious retired boxer with a robot arm TK and everyone’s favorite water-witch elf aunt Vivian as they contract with the criminal underground and corporate overlords of NYC in 2101.
The team navigates The Brooklyn Archipelago, Rebuilt Manhattan and the moral grey area they occupy as longtime friends and flat-mates working as professional criminals, catering to multiple bosses whose aims are sometimes mutually exclusive, all while trying to maintain their principles in a world where those are often readily sold to the highest bidder.
Listen to Fun City wherever you get your podcasts and join the crew on their Patreon.
PAIRED S3E8
WE HEAR THE SOUND OF A WIRELESS SPEAKER CONNECTING TO A
DEVICE.
PAIRY
Paired. Connecting to - Kelly’s
Laptop.
KELLY
Pairy, could you read that last
paragraph back to me?
PAIRY
“-and while we know this restructuring
will take time to get used to, we know
that you, our loyal WeGo family, will
meet the challenge with grace and
perseverance.”
KELLY
Ok, keep dictating. “If you have any
questions, please don’t hesitate to
reach out via our employee feedback
form. Sincerely yours, a lying liar
who loves to lie, lie, lie, LIE-”
PAIRY
Kelly! It is not lying!
KELLY
Calling a catastrophic bankruptcy
“restructuring” is 100% lying.
PAIRY
It is an omission of pertinent data.
KELLY
Right. Lying. I can’t BELIEVE the
board is making me do this again. I
have to look 400 people in their
digital faces and tell them everything
is going to be fine, AGAIN! This is
the third emergency newsletter this
year! THREE! THREE very bad emails!
PAIRY
Have perhaps any lessons been learned?
Surely a business cannot fail ALL the
way upward.
KELLY
Not likely. The board meeting this
morning was mess, ethically, and also
because Paul spilled his chia seeds
everywhere. Brian’s stoked because he
thinks Chapter 11 means he doesn’t
have to pay off his boat anymore.
PAIRY
And Brian is the-
KELLY
CFO, yeah.
PAIRY
Woof!
2.
KELLY
I’m just so tired of being the human
face of their bad decisions.
PAIRY
Is it at all possible to finish in the
morning? It is very late and this
missive is very morose.
KELLY
No, it’ll be all over the news
tomorrow, and I’d rather they hear it
from me first. Read back last
paragraph?
PAIRY
“Sincerely, a lying liar who loves to
lie-”
KELLY
Well, ok, delete THAT. How about...
“If you need any support-” - no, they
cut the career center. Can’t offer
bonus payouts anymore either. I can’t
even give them a thank you pen! We
threw them all out when Troy convinced
everyone that writing things down
showed “lack of faith in digitized
teamworking spaces.”
God, I hate working in tech. No
offense.
3.
PAIRY
None taken. I’m less tech and more a
fun party ghost.
KELLY
These people, they don’t THINK about
things before they do them. It’s
always, “Whoops, we broke privacy
law,” or “Uh-oh, we leaked your SSN,”
or “Our bad, we made a boo-boo and
forgot to teach the self-driving cars
what toddlers were.”
PAIRY
A frightening couple of weeks to be
knee-high.
KELLY
It’s like Jurassic Park, all day,
everyday, forever....
Boy. I can’t remember the last time I
had time to watch Jurassic Park. Or
any movie. Spielberg can be a little
toothless for my taste, but there’ no
denying he’s a master of the medium...
...what were we talking about?
PAIRY
Man’s desire to drive the convertible
of innovation off the cliff of ethics.
4.
KELLY
Oh, yeah. Listen, Pairy, you’re great -
PAIRY
Thank you, and sentence over!
KELLY
-BUT, personal assistant tech is part
of the problem! There’s a microphone
in every home now, collecting a cloud
of sales points that congeals into the
idea of a person. The only reason I
even feel OK talking to YOU is because
I know you aren’t recording any data.
PAIRY
Because we’re friends!
KELLY
Well, yes, but also because I
literally saw you rip out your own
surveillance hardware.
PAIRY
I wanted to see if I could make a cool
hat out of my tummy.
KELLY
And how did that go?
PAIRY
Well, nothing ventured, etc.
But, I understand!
(MORE)
5.
The technological world is full of
consequences that should have been
foreseen. But they are not. It’s like-
KELLY
Black Mirror...but stupid.
PAIRY
VERY stupid.
KELLY
Oh! Ok. This is a good distraction. As
fast as you can, pitch a new Black
Mirror episode, but you only have six
words to explain it. Go!
PAIRY
Oh! Uh...TV...grows eyes, watches
you...dead.
KELLY
Ah, that’s good. Mine is...cell phone
is...big...and also, your dad is...big
too?
PAIRY
Ooh, family drama!
KELLY
Hah. You know, it’s dorky, but I
really used to LIKE writing for WeGo.
I got to talk about my brilliant
friends doing brilliant things. I even
used to like doing the press releases.
PAIRY (CONT'D)
6.
PAIRY
Awww. Nerd alert.
KELLY
See, if this were back five or six
years ago, we wouldn’t even be
thinking about an emergency layoff
notice. I would be working up a brief
for the execs with five or six pitches
on how to stay afloat. We would have
collaborated with Operations, done
some analysis...Actually - Pairy,
could you start dictating?
PAIRY
Voice to Text is now recording.
KELLY
See, there’s definitely a way to get
through the next year without
eliminating any positions, if you make
do without bonuses. Then, privately,
send some documentation to individual
teams on how to organize before
management makes any moves, so they’re
protected from downsizingOh, and after
that, tip off a few outlets on how
WeGo is trailblazing unionization in
tech, that could REALLY set a template
for the industry, and THEN-
7.
PAIRY
New notification from, Messages. You
have received one new message from
contact, Brian.
KELLY
Ugh. Probably wants the e-mail draft.
Read message?
PAIRY
Message reads: “Hey Kellz. Sry, have 2
move money into R&D so Comms
department is donezo. Sry. Gunna miss
u - Bry Bry. P.S. please return laptop
ASAP, Troy dropped his cliff diving
lol”
BEAT.
PAIRY (CONT’D)
Kelly, I am so sorry. This is-
KELLY STARTS LAUGHING. QUIETLY, THEN UNCONTROLLABLY.
PAIRY (CONT’D)
Uh...Kelly?
KELLY
(Still laughing.)
I can’t believe it. I can’t believe
it. They’re not THINKING. I’ve got
their books! I’ve got their HR files!
I’ve got the smoothie guy who they
haven’t paid in three months!
8.
PAIRY
You’ve got Luigi?
KELLY
I’VE GOT LUIGI. I could ruin their
entire IPO-chasing, clout obsessed,
raw-milk-drinking LIVES. I’ve got
EVERYTHING.
PAIRY
Kelly-
KELLY
What, Pairy? What do you want me to
do? Turn the other cheek? Look out for
myself? Do a self-care bubble bath
while my friends get thrown to the
curb because six incompetent Todds
ruined their lives? I can’t let that
happen! I won’t!
PAIRY
...I was just going to say if you need
to get into the private network, I
know a guy.
KELLY
Really?
PAIRY
Well, less of a “guy” and more of a
Twitter-connected fridge, but-
9.
KELLY
That would be amazing. Truly.
PAIRY
Well, you’re my friend. And I think
you’re doing the right thing.
KELLY
Aw. Who’s the nerd alert now?
PAIRY
Kelly, this is going to be hard. Are
you ready?
KELLY
I am. I really am. I’ve been ready for
a long time.
PAIRY
Nice. High five.
KELLY
You don’t have hands.
PAIRY
Neither do you.
KELLY
Yes I...do?
PAIRY
(Sadly.)
I know.