Saving connection data for - Madame Felice's Phone Taking a pirouette down memory lane.
Thank you for listening to Paired Season Three!
Credits:
Pairy - Liz Anderson
Madame Felice - Janet Varney
Janet Varney is an Emmy-Nominated actor, comedian, writer and producer. In the animation world, she's the award-winning voice of Korra on Nickelodeon’s (now on Netflix) "The Legend of Korra," and she can also be found voicing Leo, the Gemini Twins and Cancer on Quibi’s “Your Daily Horoscope.” On Hulu, she can be seen fighting dark forces opposite John C. McGinley in Stan Against Evil and as the entitled Becca on FXX’s You’re the Worst. She also created, wrote, produced and starred in the critically-acclaimed IFC online series Fortune Rookie. For the past 8 years, JV has hosted her podcast The JV Club with Janet Varney, where she interviews celebrities about their awkward teenage years. JV can also be heard as the AI “Sorry” on the improvised sci-fi comedy podcast "Voyage to the Stars.” On the development and production side, Janet co-created, co-wrote and co-produced Neil’s Puppet Dreams, a series featuring Neil Patrick Harris and his puppet-filled dreams. She is co-founder/creative director/producer of one of the largest and most acclaimed comedy festivals in North America, SF Sketchfest: the San Francisco Comedy Festival, now in its 20th year
Creator/Writer/Producer - Liz Anderson
Editor/Composer - MJ
Cover Art - Adrian Theuma
Theme Music - Arne Parrot
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INT. A BALLET STUDIO, DAY
A DIGITAL ASSISTANT “BLOOPS”, INDICATING IT HAS BEEN
CONNECTED.
PAIRY
Paired. Connecting to - Madame
Felice’s Phone.
MDME. FELICE
Computer - Turn on music.
PAIRY
Opening app - Music.
MDME. FELICE
Play “Warm Up Playlist No. 2”. Shuffle
off, volume medium.
PAIRY
Now playing, “Warm Up Playlist No. 2”.
BRIGHT, REGIMENTED MUSIC BEGINS TO PLAY. PAIRY BEGINS TO HUM
ALONG.
MDME. FELICE
Computer, please desist from your
humming.
PAIRY
Apologies, Marion.
MDME. FELICE
Computer, open settings.
PAIRY
Opening app, “Settings”
MDME. FELICE
Navigate to Naming Preferences. Set
the primary user profile name
preference to “MADAME FELICE.”
PAIRY
(Bloops.)
Primary user profile name preference
has been set to “Madame Felice.” Um.
Sorry, Madame.
MDME. FELICE
First names are for car salesmen and
one’s deathbed. Do I make myself
clear, Computer?
PAIRY
Crystal, Madame Felice.
(Beat.)
You’re warming up early today, Madame
Felice. Any special occasions you are
preparing to be limber for?
MDME. FELICE
Is not work it’s own occasion? Is ‘the
dance’ not reason enough for
diligence?
PAIRY
It....is....n’t?
2
MDME. FELICE
To answer your question, though I find
it untoward to be burdened with your
queries, we have a workshop this
morning. Which, if you were properly
connected to the studio calendar, you
would be well aware of.
PAIRY
Oh, my programming says I only need to
see things 30 minutes before they
start. Keeps me in the moment. If it’s
not an all-day event, it’s dead to me!
MDME. FELICE
(Perturbed.)
Computer, adjust studio temperature up
by 1.6 degrees.
PAIRY
Opening app, Temperature Control.
Adjusting temperature for: Studio C.
Studio C temperature is now set at
68.6 degrees Fahrenheit.
MDME. FELICE
Thank you, computer. And I’ll thank
you again to leave me to my warm-ups.
PAIRY
10-4.
SEVERAL BEATS PASS BY.
3
PAIRY (CONT’D)
(To themselves.)
Well, now I’m curious.
Opening app - Calendar. You have one
upcoming event. Location: Studio C.
Event Name: “Strength In Softness:
Dance Theory In the Martial Arts”.
Ohhh! Madame Felice, is this that
partnership with the karate studio
upstairs? I love those guys, they
always let me play nu metal while they
kick the x-rays-
MDME. FELICE
Computer, I MUST insist you cease
these interruptions!
PAIRY
Oh! Are you finally going to talk to
that Dalton guy? The one with all the
hair? He finally got that new karate
van and he got the GOOD lightning
decals so he must be doing PRETTY well-
MDME. FELICE
COMPUTER. ALL AUDIO OFF.
THE MUSIC ABRUPTLY ENDS. SILENCE.
MDME. FELICE (CONT’D)
Please set voice selection volume to
low.
4
PAIRY
Volume settings: Assistant vocal
volume has been set to low.
MDME. FELICE
Just one thing. I just want ONE thing
to go right this morning.
Deep breath, Marion. Deep breath. The
diaphragm is nature’s stress ball.
Deep breath.
(Breathes deep.)
I apologize, computer. I have been
unduly stern.
PAIRY
(Unintelligible whispers.)
MDME. FELICE
Computer, please set voice selection
volume to normal.
PAIRY
(Normally.)
Thank YOU.
MDME. FELICE
Computer, I fear that I have been, in
fact, unduly stern for quite some
time.
PAIRY
Nooooo. Whaa? You’re always a treat
and a joy and also a treat.
5
MDME. FELICE
The success of this studio is very
important to me. I do not demand
precision for just precision’s sake. I
know this is a small ballet studio in
a strip mall in between two different
optometrists’ offices, but we are
capable of GREAT things! I’ve seen it!
I know most of our students are nine-
year-olds who want to learn the next
gesture-filled cellular phone dance.
But! Look closely! There is SUCH
potential here! Potential that I...I
once took for granted.
PAIRY
Oh my god, oh my god, are we about to
get a tragic ballerina backstory?
MDME. FELICE
You’re damn RIGHT you’re about to get
a tragic ballerina backstory!
Computer, Play “Aching Nostalgia
Playlist No. 5, Subcategory
Flashback”, Volume low, Shuffle...ON.
THE MUSIC BEGINS TO PLAY.
6
MDME. FELICE (CONT’D)
It is a heartbreaking story, set in a
vaguely metropolitan area in a non-
specific European nation. I was a
young dancer in a prestigious company:
not perfect by any means, but
learning. I trained hard to prove
myself, to become a star brighter than
the lights of the French or possibly
German city I called home. My dreams,
like the British-y river that snaked
through the Italian-ish downtown
outside my window, stretched out in
front of me, boundless. That was
until....the accident.
PAIRY
No! Not the ACCIDENT!
MDME. FELICE
Yes! The ACCIDENT! After many years of
staring at, I dunno, the Seine? I got
the call - I was to understudy for the
prima ballerina, that very night! In
front of an audience of the ballet
industry’s greatest luminaries!
PAIRY
No!
7
MDME. FELICE
And two smouldering lovers who I
needed to choose between!
PAIRY
No!
MDME. FELICE
And a series of estranged family
members whose successful reunion
hinged on my success!
PAIRY
Nooooo!
MDME. FELICE
When the first song began, I was
perfection. I bounded, I glided, I did
some fun wiggles. Then...I reached for
a great leap. A leap my mentor (who
had tragically passed away just
moments before the show began) said
only a fool would attempt. I did not
care! I WAS that fool! I crouched, I
pulled, I climbed, I soared, and then,
as my sinews began to pull from their
very bones-
PAIRY
What??? WHAT??? HAPPENED?
MDME. FELICE
The company went out of business.
8
PAIRY
WHAT?
MDME. FELICE
Wild, right? Like, literally when I
landed, the stock market crashed. I
can’t say I blame the owners for
shuttering, but I will say that any
nonprofit that doesn’t incorporate
futureproofing into their 10-year-plan
is just asking for an audit, you know?
PAIRY
But! But...the dance! What happened to
your dreams? The rushing river of your
emotions??
MDME. FELICE
After that incident, dance became a
source of anxiety for me. I was
earthbound...for what good is passion
when it can be undone by random
happenstance, a freak accident, an
unprecedented economic downturn caused
by overinvestment in non-blue-chip
stock options? It all felt
frightening, dangerous. So, I retired.
And vowed never to dance...again.
(Beat.)
Playlist, off.
THE MUSIC STOPS.
9
PAIRY
I get it now.
MDME. FELICE
My general demeanor and longing gazes
into the middle-distance? Good, I was
hoping-
PAIRY
No, not that! I get how I’m supposed
to HELP YOU. My purpose is to help
people with their day to day lives,
but I think I’m supposed to help you
overcome your tragedy! I will be YOUR
madame! I will turn you into a Natalie
Portman, or a Save the Last Dance!
Come Madame Felice, let’s turn you
into the prima ballerina you were
always meant to be!
MDME. FELICE
Oh, uh....no thank you?
PAIRY
What?
MDME. FELICE
No thank you. I’m sorry, VERY no thank
you, Computer. I have no desire to
return to those days. I have quite a
fine life here!
(MORE)
10
A small business, a big house, two
huge dogs, and I am certain within the
next two weeks that Dalton fellow with
the hair is going to take me to the
fondue restaurant down the street. The
story I told you is a sad part of my
life, Computer, but it is not my whole
life.
PAIRY
Huh.
MDME. FELICE
“Huh” indeed.
PAIRY
I see. I SEE. We’re better than our
worst moments! We are not defined by
our tragedy! Life is a rich tapestry-
MDME. FELICE
You know you don’t need to always put
a “pin” in things, right? You can sort
of let the moment, you know, sit.
PAIRY
Passengers on this Spaceship Earth!
MDME. FELICE
Are you writing a book or something?
Please, do not send me your bad book.
MDME. FELICE (CONT'D)
11
PAIRY
Well, Madame Felice, I am glad we
talked. I’ve learned...something!
MDME. FELICE
Strangely, I’m glad we talked as well.
Thank you for your companionship
during this warm-up period, Computer.
PAIRY
You can call me Pairy.
MDME. FELICE
First names are for talk show hosts
and St. Peter-
PAIRY
Pleaaaaase?
MDME. FELICE
Hmm. Please turn on “Welcome Pupils
Playlist”, shuffle off, volume high.
PAIRY
Now playing “Welcome Pupils Playlist.”
MDME. FELICE
Thank you...Pairy.
PAIRY
You’re welcome....MARI-
MDME. FELICE
Don’t you dare.
END EPISODE.