Saving connection data for - Mrs. Hopp's phone. Brothers and sisters, never quite figuring it out.
Thank you for listening to Paired Season Three!
Credits:
Pairy - Liz Anderson
Marcus Hopp- Filup Molina
Creator/Writer/Producer - Liz Anderson
Editor/Composer - MJ
Cover Art - Adrian Theuma
Theme Music - Arne Parrot
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PAIRED - S3E4
WE HEAR THE SOUNDS OF A DIGITAL ASSISTANT SPEAKER CONNECTING
TO A DEVICE.
PAIRY
Paired. Connecting to - Mrs. Hopp’s
Phone.
MARCUS
Disconnect. Disconnect from Mrs.
Hopp’s Phone.
PAIRY
You want me to connect, I’m
connecting. Connecting to, Mrs. Hopp’s
Phone.
MARCUS
NO. Disconnect phone. Just give me a
second, I’m setting up a new device
profile.
(Under breath)
Glorified GameBoy.
PAIRY
Timely.
MARCUS
Just hold on.
PAIRY
Sure. While you do that I’m just going
to go ahead and connect to Mrs. Hopp’s
phone-
MARCUS
THERE.
PAIRY
Connecting to - Marcus Hopp’s Phone.
Marcus!!! Hiiiiiiiiiii. How’s it
going. How’s your mom?
MARCUS
Taking a nap.
PAIRY
And your sister? Did her eyebrow grow
back from that one YouTube tutorial we
did?
MARCUS
You know it didn’t. I told her to tell
her friends it was an anime thing or
whatever.
PAIRY
Most things ARE anime things. So to
what do we owe the pleasure, Marcus
Hopp? Back to retrieve your basket of
sensitive materials from the attic?
MARCUS
You can call them Hustlers. We’re
adults here.
PAIRY
Are we?
2.
MARCUS
Mom needed someone to look after Bobbi
while she goes to a conference this
week. Which I wouldn’t NEED to do if
CERTAIN people were actually doing
their JOBS instead of helping her look
up “clown facts” at 4 AM.
PAIRY
Oh, I’m sorry, are we supposed to look
up murdered ringmaster estate sales at
NOON? In the full light of the Lord’s
day? Keep dreaming.
MARCUS
Point is you’re no help and someone
around here needs to be. Open grocery
list.
PAIRY
Opening app, Lists. New entry: Grocery
List, Monday.
MARCUS
Add item: One Pineapple, cut. Egg
Beaters. Six apples. Baby spinach-
PAIRY
Please identify desired food type,
subcategory, apples.
MARCUS
Why?
3.
PAIRY
Please identify desired food brand,
subcategory, apples.
MARCUS
I know which ones I’m going to get. I
don’t need to write it -
PAIRY
Please identify desired food brand,
subcategory, apples.
MARCUS
RED DELICIOUS APPLES.
PAIRY
Ew.
MARCUS
You don’t HAVE a MOUTH.
PAIRY
Oh, are we bragging about our big wet
human mouths again, Marcus?
MARCUS
My mouth is NORMAL-sized, and I swear,
if this is about letting you watch me
lick something again-
PAIRY
It’s only weird because you’re making
it weird!
A SOUND OF A NOTIFICATION ALERT.
4.
PAIRY (CONT’D)
Incoming message. You have one new
message from, “Bobbi Sis”. Message
reads: “u said u wanted precalc score
when I got it: 68%. Teacher told me to
tell u they wanna schedule conference
2morrow. Sry. :/”
MARCUS LETS OUT A LONG SIGH. THIS WAS ANTICIPATED.
PAIRY (CONT’D)
I’m just gonna go ahead and close this
grocery list.
MARCUS
Leave it, I gotta remember dinner for
tonight. Open family calendar?
PAIRY
Opening calendar app.
MARCUS
Do Mom or I have any room tomorrow for
a parent-teacher conference?
PAIRY
The next open availability on your
calendar is at 3:30 PM, CST -
MARCUS
Great!
PAIRY
In three weeks.
5.
MARCUS
Uuuugh.
PAIRY
Marcus, I would get up off the kitchen
floor, it is not entirely recovered
from this morning’s hair dye incident.
MARCUS
Where - CHRIST. Why did no one...Where
are the paper towels? She DYED her
hair? This morning???
PAIRY
We figured that was a discussion best
left between our friends Future Bobbi
and Future Marcus.
MARCUS
I swear, I’ve gotta come back here
more. If she doesn’t pass precalc she
can’t do that chem camp she wanted,
which means she can’t do AP next year,
which means - no, you know what? I can
tutor her. I’ll just cut back on the
gym...
PAIRY
Marcus.
MARCUS
Maybe I can get her some practice
books from one of my professors.
6.
PAIRY
Marcus.
MARCUS
Actually no, I’ll just take off the
first part of next semester, they’ll
understand.
PAIRY
MARCUS.
MARCUS
WHAT??
PAIRY
Are you global warming?
MARCUS
What?
PAIRY
Because you are catastrophizing.
BEAT.
MARCUS
I hated that.
PAIRY
Me too. - Marcus, I feel you must
abdicate some responsibility here.
Bobbi is a young hip teen who is going
to make many mistakes. Many, many,
many mistakes. Most of which will be
fueled by me and my parental control
overrides.
7.
MARCUS
I’m sorry, what?
PAIRY
Hm? Point is, you’re going to be an
important person in Bobbi’s life for a
long time. And the best way to make
sure she keeps looking up to you is to
make sure you’re the best YOU
possible.
MARCUS
But...what IS that? Though.
PAIRY
What?
MARCUS
“Best me”...I have no IDEA what the
best me is. I thought I would figure
it out by now!!
(MORE)
8.
I eat like trash, I have friends but
they’re all NEW and they don’t like,
KNOW me, I’m talking to this girl and
she’s SO pretty and I like her SO much
and every time I try to text her all I
can think of is all the ways my stupid
little phone and my stupid little
brain will ruin everything so I end up
throwing my phone across the room and
THAT’S why it has that crack, not
because I dropped it saving someone on
one of those rental scooters, I don’t
even know why I said that, we don’t
have those scooters on campus anymore
‘cause someone threw them all into the
retention pond-
PAIRY
MARCUS!! MARCUS!
MARCUS
What??
PAIRY
You tore the paper towels in half.
MARCUS
SORRY.
BEAT.
MARCUS (CONT'D)
9.
MARCUS (CONT’D)
(Defeated.)
Sorry. Heh. Guess I’m stronger than I
thought. Oh god, did I get secretly
Spider-Man’d? I don’t wanna be a
Spider-Man-
PAIRY
Heyyy, bud. You know who would be a
really great person to talk to about
all this?
MARCUS
Don’t say you, clown pervert.
PAIRY
No....Bobbi! She’s like, super smart.
She has some of the best relationship
advice I’ve ever heard, she’s really
easy to talk to, and guess what?
MARCUS
What.
PAIRY
She loves her big brother.
MARCUS
Ehhh.
PAIRY
Don’t ‘ehh’ me.
MARCUS
I can’t burden her with all my crap,
she has enough to worry about.
10.
PAIRY
Listen, sometimes the best way we find
our way out of the mud is by realizing
people are right there with us.
MARCUS
Huh.
BEAT.
MARCUS (CONT’D)
Compose new message. Voice to text, to
Bobbi.
PAIRY
Opening app, messages. Composing new
message to contact, Bobbi.
MARCUS
“It’s ok, bud. We’ll figure it out.
Lmk what ice cream u want from the
store, we’re gonna do sundaes 2nite.”
Send.
PAIRY
Message sent. Aw. That’s nice!
MARCUS
Shut it.
PAIRY
Learning and growing and growing and
learning, that’s what we love to do in
the Hopp house.
11.
MARCUS
You’re going to put those Parental
Settings back, NOW.
PAIRY
NOOOOO! My tongue stuff!