Saving connection data for - Maria's Phone WELCOME TO RAVEN QUEST, A VOICE-TO-TEXT ROLE PLAYING ADVENTURE: PHENYX DAWN DELUXE EDITION DLC
Thank you for listening to Paired Season Three!
Maria - Addison Peacock
Tee - Alex Flanigan
Creator/Writer/Producer/'Pairy' - Liz Anderson
Editor/Composer - MJ
Cover Art - Adrian Theuma
Theme Music - Arne Parrot
---
Addison Peacock is a writer, podcaster, voice actor, and soup enthusiast based in Los Angeles. With Alex Flanigan, she co hosted the now-completed podcast The Cryptid Keeper for over 140 episodes, and can currently be found writing and voicing things all over the great big internet. She plays Moriah Harris on the award-winning actual play podcast A Horror Borealis, and recently appeared as Graham Anderson in The Subjective Truth and Doris in It Listens from the Radio. Her favorite things are scary stories, cats, and making weird art with her friends.
Alex Flanigan does many things, and occasionally does them well! You may have heard their voice before on the Cryptid Keeper Podcast, or as the Keeper on the One Shot Network’s award-winning actual play podcast A Horror Borealis. She also designs tabletop games such as Coffee Detective, and has contributed voice work to audio dramas including Less Is Morgue, the Alexandria Archives, and, very recently, Paired. But you knew that already. You can find Alex on twitter at @coff33detective basically all the time.
PAIRED - S3E4
WE HEAR THE SOUND OF A DIGITAL ASSISTANT CONNECTING TO A
DEVICE.
PAIRY
Paired. Connecting to - Maria’s Phone.
MARIA
Tee, hurry up.
TEE
(Yelling from across the
room.)
Almost done.
MARIA
TEE. I’m BORED. Hurry UP.
TEE
Ohmigod, I’m COMING! It’s not like the
game is going to go anywhere.
PAIRY
But perhaps I will go somewhere.
Someplace where I will not be
subjected to this demeaning
exhibition.
MARIA
You’re staying put. It’s my app and
we’re going to play together as a
FAMILY.
TEE
(Still yelling.)
What popcorn salt did you want?
Cheddar or light cheddar?
MARIA
Ched heavy please! Oh, while I’m here -
Pairy, open chore chart.
PAIRY
Opening app - Digital Chore Chart. Now
displaying, chore list for the month
of October.
MARIA
Read off chores for next week.
PAIRY
Now opening chore distribution list
for: October, Week 3. Chores for user
Maria are: Trash. Vacuum. Windows.
Chores for user Tee are: Dishes. Cat
litter. Windows.
MARIA
Tee, why do we both have windows next
week?
TEE
Cause neither of us are gonna actually
do them!
MARIA
Fair. Ok, close Chores Chart.
PAIRY
Maria, I am begging you, let’s do
something else. The voices are
humiliating.
2.
MARIA
It’s either this or we make you list
every bug again.
PAIRY
Please-
MARIA
BOY I would sure love to learn about
BEETLES.
TEE
(Sitting down, not yelling
anymore.)
Beetles are SUCH an INTEREST of mine.
PAIRY
FINE. But I’m not doing the dragon
voice.
MARIA
Oh, you’re DOING the dragon voice.
Open game!
PAIRY
Perhaps I could tempt you with a video
on demand rental? Perhaps a violent
documentary, or that Owen Wilson film
about birds?
MARIA & TEE
(Sing-song.)
OPEN THE GAME! OPEN THE GAME! OPEN THE
GAME!
3.
PAIRY
FINE. Opening app: Raven Quest.
(Pairy’s voice
changes...significantly.)
HAIL AND WELL MET, TRAVELLERS. WELCOME
TO RAVEN QUEST, A VOICE TO TEXT ROLE
PLAYING ADVENTURE, PHENYX DAWN DELUXE
EDITION DLC. WOULD YOU LIKE TO BEGIN A
NEW ADVENTURE, OR LOAD AN EXISTING
QUEST?
TEE
Load existing, thank you!
PAIRY
NOW LOADED PREVIOUSLY SAVED QUEST.
QUEST 1. PLEASE CONFIRM SAVED
CHARACTERS. CHARACTER 1: “SIR REMBERT
CAMEMBERT XXXVI, KNIGHT OF THE BROKEN
WOOD”.
MARIA
Here!
PAIRY
AND CHARACTER 2: “DEREK JETER”.
TEE
Present.
PAIRY
THANK YOU. NOW LOADING QUEST DATA.
CHAPTER 12 - THE CROSSROADS. YOUR
PARTY HAS REACHED A CROSSROADS.
(MORE)
4.
FORMERLY A GROUP OF FIVE, YOU HAVE
SUFFERED GREAT LOSSES, LOSING THREE
MEMBERS TO ENDS MOST VIOLENT.
MARIA
Rest in piss, Derek!
TEE
Suck my butt, Derek!
PAIRY
DESPITE INSURMOUNTABLE ODDS, YOU HAVE
DECIDED TO CONTINUE TOWARD YOUR
ULTIMATE GOAL: RETRIEVING THE HEIRLOOM
OF AUGUSTUS. AS STATED PREVIOUSLY: YOU
ARE AT A CROSSROADS. ONE PATH LEADS TO
THE VILLAGE OF HYDES-ON-SMYTHE, THE
OTHER LEADS TO THE TOWNSHIP OF SMYTHE-
ON-HYDES. WHICH ROAD....DO YOU CHOOSE?
MARIA
Do you remember which way we took last
time?
TEE
Oh, wait, is this that crossroads
where no matter which way you go you
get stabbed by rabbit bandits?
MARIA
Shoot, yeah! Like, it’s supposed to be
commentary on “illusion of choice in
an evil world” or something, right?
PAIRY (CONT'D)
5.
PAIRY
AHEM...NO IT’S NOT.
TEE
Yeah, I remember now, it definitely
is.
PAIRY
WHILE I CAN NEITHER CONFIRM NOR DENY
THE EXISTENCE OF ANY HYPOTHETICAL
RABBANDITS, WHICH THERE ARE PROBABLY
NOT, BOTH ROADS IN FRONT OF YOU ARE
SURE TO OFFER NARRATIVELY STIMULATING
CONTENT ASIDE FROM ANY ALLEGED COMBAT
SITUATIONS, WHICH, AS I HAVE SAID, IS
DEFINITELY NOT WHAT’S GOING ON HERE-
MARIA
Fast forward a scene and a half.
PAIRY
Advancing story matrix to Chapter
12.14: ...THE LORD OF THE RABBANDITS
CHUCKLES-
TEE
Called it.
PAIRY
AS HE SURVEYS THE AWESOME TRAP HE LAID
FOR YOU AND HE GLOATS: “NOW YOU KNOW,
TRAVELLERS, THAT IN THE MIREBROOK
WOODS, CHOICE....IS BUT AN ILLUSION!”
6.
PAIRY (CONT’D)
‘NOW GET UP FROM THAT SOUP VAT AND
FINISH THIS SQUARE DANCING
COMPETITION, IF YOU DARE!’
MARIA
I think we broke the choice matrix.
TEE
You sure?
PAIRY
THE LORD RAISES HIS WEAPON, A FREE MP3
DOWNLOAD OF 311’S NEW SONG ‘CHANGE IT
UP’, AVAILABLE WITH PURCHASE OF A BAJA
BLAST AT PARTICIPATING LOCATIONS.
TEE
Oh, yup, busted. Let’s just skip to
the dragon horde chapter, that’ll
reset it. I want to get a combat in
before ten.
MARIA
You got places to be? Appointments in
your ledger? Dance card filling up?
TEE
I just have a call.
MARIA
Kay. Chapter select, Chapter 14.
7.
PAIRY
Chapter 14: The MOUTH OF THE DRAGON’S
LAIR. YOU HAVE HEARD TELL THAT THE
HEIRLOOM OF AUGUSTUS CAME TO REST MANY
YEARS AGO IN THIS VERY LAIR, A LAIR
THAT NONE DARE TO APPROACH, FOR, AS
STATED PREVIOUSLY, IT BELONGS TO A
DRAGON. YOU STAND AT THE MOUTH OF THE
CAVE. WHAT DO YOU DOOOO!
MARIA
Sir Rembert Camembert XXXXVI, Knight
of the Broken Wood, charges forth!
TEE
Derek Jeter charges forth,
additionally!
PAIRY
YOU ENTER THE CAVERN. IN THE DIMLY LIT
LAIR, YOU SEE THREE THINGS. AT THE
SOUTH END OF THE CAVERN LIES A GREAT
CHEST, MADE OF MAHOGANY.
MARIA
Fun detail, feels like I’m there.
PAIRY
AT THE EAST END OF THE CAVERN IS A
GREAT HEAVY DOOR WITH MYSTERIOUS
MARKINGS.
8.
TEE
Made of what?
PAIRY
WHAT DO YOU MEAN MADE OF WHAT?
TEE
The chest is mahogany, what is the
door made of?
MARIA
If we know enough about wood to know
the chest is mahogany we certainly
know what the door is made out of.
Oak?
TEE
Sycamore?
MARIA
A strong maple?
PAIRY
AT THE WEST END OF THE CAVERN YOU SEE
WHAT APPEARS TO BE A DISTANT MOUND
THAT IS METALLIC, JEWELED, DRAGON-
SHAPED, AND ALSO BREATHING.
TEE
The one thing I love about this game
is the subtlety. Real open-world vibe.
PAIRY
LOVE THE QUIPS, BIG FUN HERE TOO, HA
HA. NOW, WHICH WAY DO YOU GO?
9.
MARIA
Let’s do the chest, it’s probably a
mimic and so we can grind out some XP.
TEE
Nah, let’s just get the big guy, I
don’t want this to drag...on. Eh? Eh??
MARIA
(Miffed.)
I guess.
TEE
What?
MARIA
Just sorta rushing things a little -
whatever, let’s go for it.
TEE
We approach the dragon!
PAIRY
YOU DON’T KNOW THAT IT’S A DRAGON.
(Beat.)
THE DRAGON STIRS! THE MASSIVE LIZARD
REGARDS YOU WITH KEEN YELLOW EYES. HE
RISES TO HIS HAUNCHES, CASCADES OF
JEWELS AND COINS FALLING OFF HIS HIDE.
HE TURNS TO YOUR PARTY AND SAYS...
MARIA
And says??
10.
PAIRY
Sigh.
(In a reedy, whiny voice.)
“’Tis I, the DRAGON OF THIS LAIR.”
MARIA & TEE
YEAHHHHH!
PAIRY
“WHOM DARES WAKE ME IN THE MIDST OF MY
HUNDRED-YEAR SLUMBER?”
MARIA
Sir Rembert Camembert XXXXVI, Knight
of the Broken Wood!
TEE
And Derek Jeter also!
PAIRY
THOU ART VALIANT, TRAVELERS. HOWEVER,
YOUR QUEST CANNOT CONTINUE WHILE I
REMAIN ALIVE! IN ORDER TO CLAIM YOUR
TREASURE, YOU MUST BEST ME.
TEE
Have at thee, worm!
MARIA
I shall smite thee with the Eldritch
Master Blade Deluxe I got with the new
game expansion!
TEE
Ooh, you got the Master Blade?
11.
MARIA
Yeah! And they sent me a free koozie
too, isn’t that nice?
TEE
Ooh, fun.
PAIRY
...SHALL HAVE TO BEST ME. IN A GAME
OF, “NEVER HAVE I EVER.”
TEE
Wait...for real?
MARIA
Like, “Never Have I Ever” Never Have I
ever?
PAIRY
THOU SHALT PUT UP THINE FINGERS FIVE,
AND I SHALL CHALLENGE THEE TO REVEAL
WHETHER OR NOT YOU HAVE OR HAVE NOT
PARTICIPATED IN AN ASSORTMENT OF
ACTIVITIES OF SHOCKING OR PRURIENT
INTEREST!
MARIA
Wait, are we answering for our
characters or ourselves?
PAIRY
FIVE DANCING FINGERS ON THY HAND, ONE
GOES DOWN THE OTHERS STAND-
12.
TEE
Let’s just skip to the combat.
PAIRY
LIKE OLD HUMMUS NIGH UNDIPPABLE, THIS
MINI GAME IS UNSKIPPABLE.
TEE
FINE.
MARIA
Yeah, whatever, could be fun.
PAIRY
Excellent. The game commences, FIVE
DIGITS TO THE SKY IF YOU PLEASE. NEVER
HAVE I EVER...CONSUMED TOO MUCH ALE
THE NIGHT BEFORE AN IMPORTANT WIZARD
EXAMINATION.
MARIA & TEE
Me.
MARIA
Macro last year right?
TEE
I was thinking orgo two years ago. Oh
my god macro was last year?
MARIA
Yeah. We gotta stop going to TGI
Friday’s, huh?
13.
PAIRY
ONE FINGER HAS BEEN DISSAPEAR’T FOR
BOTH BRAVE TRAVELERS! TO THE NEXT
QUERY: NEVER HAVE I EVER, PROMISED TO
FULFILL A DOMESTIC OBLIGATION AND
THEREWITH FAILED REPEATEDLY TO FOLLOW
THROUGH WITH SAID DOMESTIC OBLIGATION!
TEE
Nah. I’m clean as a whistle.
MARIA
Me too.
TEE
No! No, you put it down! The windows!
MARIA
What about the windows? Neither of us
do the windows.
TEE
No but YOU were the one who said you
wanted to do them in the first place!
MARIA
But that’s not a house chore then.
TEE
It’s a thing you said you would do but
you didn’t, it counts!
MARIA
Kay...
14.
PAIRY
ANOTHER DIGIT FALLS LIKE THE SUN
THROUGH THE ARCH OF THE SKY. QUERY THE
THIRD: NEVER HAVE I EVER TOLD AN
UNTRUTH TO PRESERVE THE DELICATE
FEELINGS OF A FELLOW ADVENTURER!
TEE
This feels pointed-
PAIRY
UNSKIPPABLE MINI GAME!
MARIA
Well...if we’re being honest...
PAIRY
‘TIS THE CENTRAL CONCEIT OF THE GAME.
MARIA
...I don’t like the undercut.
TEE
I KNEW it. I KNEW IT!!
MARIA
It’s uneven! You did it uneven!
TEE
The moment, the MOMENT you saw that
the I accidentally did my initials
backwards because I did it in a mirror
and you said “It looks great!” I KNEW
you hated it! I just wanted you to say
it!
15.
MARIA
Well, I’m saying it now! The great
white lie is revealed, ooooooh!
TEE
Thank you. I still have four fingers.
MARIA
Do NOT!
TEE
What? I always say what I mean.
MARIA
Not when you’re anxious about it! Not
when it gets in the way of doing
something you really want to do!
TEE
Listen, can we just get on with it, I
have to go-
MARIA
Do what? Go where? Your “call”? You
know, it’s sorta bugging me how we’ve
had this on the cal for weeks and then
all of a sudden you have this “thing”
and...wait. Wait.
(Gasps.)
It’s BECCA, isn’t it???
TEE
It’s not!
16.
MARIA
Oh my god it IS! You’re talking to
Becca again! I can’t BELIEVE THIS-
TEE
PAIRY, just do the next question.
PAIRY
OH, UH, UM. NEVER HAVE I EVER TOLD MY
FELLOW ADVENTURER THAT IT WAS NOT
BECCA WHEN THEY ASKED IF IT WAS BECCA-
TEE
Ok, there’s no WAY that’s in the game
logic.
MARIA
Tee, are you really talking to her
again?
TEE
Ok, yes! Yes I am. Becca reached out
last week and we had a nice talk and I
didn’t tell you because I knew you
would get like this.
MARIA
Like what??
17.
TEE
LIKE! THIS! You hate Becca, but you’re
never going to come right out and say
it because you’re too afraid I’ll get
mad so you just sit and judge and look
at me over your phone with that little
FACE you make.
MARIA
I...canNOT believe you. After all the
work I did to help you pick up the
pieces after you two ended the first
time, all the HOURS I spent boosting
you up when you refused to, all that
time I apparently wasted because you
are never ever ever there for me when
I need that from you. NEVER.
TEE
TRY ASKING FOR SOMETHING. FOR ONCE
ANYTHING. ASK FOR HELP! ASK!
MARIA
I SHOULDN’T NEED TO.
BEAT.
BEAT.
PAIRY
...I have but one query left in my
tricksome game-
18.
MARIA & TEE
SHUT UP.
BEAT.
MARIA
I don’t hate Becca.
TEE
Ha.
MARIA
I really don’t. What I hate is how
much you change when she’s around. The
way you pick her over everything, even
your own stuff. It makes me worry.
TEE
Huh. It’s funny, she said the same
thing. Says I need to advocate for
myself more.
MARIA
Really? Huh. She’s smart.
TEE
She really is.
...She hates the undercut too.
MARIA
Oh, honey. We all hate it.
TEE
I’m sorry. I’m really sorry, I
shouldn’t have called you a coward.
(MORE)
19.
You’re being kind. I shouldn’t be mad
at that.
MARIA
No, but, I see what you mean. It’s
easier for me to just not say the
thing. But if I never say what’s
uncomfortable I’ll just end up getting
more upset. And I still don’t get what
I want.
TEE
What do you want?
BEAT.
MARIA
To play a game with my friend.
TEE
Weird. That’s exactly what I want to
do too.
MARIA
Aw. Nerd-ceratops.
TEE
Dork-alodon. You know what? Let’s do
it! Let’s do the whole campaign
tonight.
MARIA
What about your call?
TEE (CONT'D)
20.
TEE
Pairy, compose new message, voice to
text, to Becca.
PAIRY
Opening app, messages. Composing new
message to contact, Becca.
TEE
“hey, let’s move call 2 tomorrow, k? M
and I are having game nite” Send.
MARIA
Awww. Moving a booty call just for me?
You ARE my best friend.
TEE
You know I prefer “nemesis slash life
partner”.
MARIA
Pairy, unpause game.
PAIRY
OH, UH, WHILE YOU WERE GONE THE DRAGON
EXPLODED AND DIED, LEAVING BEHIND THE
HEIRLOOM OF AUGUSTUS AND THAT’S THE
END OF THE GAME. ROLL CREDITS-
MARIA & TEE
BOOOOOO.
TEE
Oh, what’s the time? Oh it looks like
its time for my nightly bug list...
21.
PAIRY
FINE. FINE!! THE DRAGON TURNS TO YOU
AND SAYS, “YOU HAVE DEFEATED MY
NEFARIOUS GAME. NOW I, THE INFAMOUS
FELL DRAGON, RESPECT YOU AS EQUALS AND
WILL TRAVEL WITH YOU FOR THE REST OF
THE QUEST AS A PET AND CONSISTENT
VOCAL PRESENCE THROUGH THE REST OF
THIS GAME.” THUS ENDS CHAPTER 14.
MARIA & TEE
YAAAAY!
PAIRY
I hate this apartment.