Saving connection data for - Richie's Phone A good, good, very good, totally fine day at the community pool, again.
Thank you for listening to Paired Season Three!
Richie - Tyler Davis
Creator/Writer/Producer/'Pairy' - Liz Anderson
Editor/Composer - MJ
Cover Art - Adrian Theuma
Theme Music - Arne Parrot
--
Tyler Davis is an actor, filmmaker, and musician in LA by way of Chicago, IL. He's a co-star and Production Consultant on the Showtime series Work In Progress, a writer for the 2021 CBS Showcase, and an alumnus of The Second City. You can hear his voice alongside Liz on Campaign Skyjacks and he wishes Liz would carry him on her shoulders as Gable does to Jonnit. Check him out on Instagram @TylerADav and @DevilsDaughterImprov
PAIRED S3E5
WE HEAR A DIGITAL ASSISTANT CONNECT TO A DEVICE.
PAIRY
Paired. Connecting to - Richie’s
Phone.
RICHIE
Pairy, check weather.
PAIRY
Opening app - Weather. Today’s
forecast: 75 degrees Farenheit. Sunny.
Chance of rain, 5%. Wind coming out of
the northwest at 11 MPH. End forecast.
RICHIE
Check chance of thunderstorms.
PAIRY
Chance of rain is 5%.
RICHIE
Not rain, check chance of
thunderstorms.
PAIRY
Oh, uh. Chance of thunderstorms: 3%.
RICHIE
Great. Clear skies at the pool all
day, huh?
PAIRY
‘Tis the hazy halcyon days of late
summer, Lifeguard Richie.
(MORE)
Nothing but cool breezes, as much RC
Cola as you can drink, and of course,
Shallow End Paul.
PAUL
(From a distance.)
Hellooo!
RICHIE
Yep. Almost fall! Feels like I just
got this job.
PAIRY
On the timescale of the universe, you
did!
RICHIE
That’s terrifying, thank you.
BEAT.
RICHIE (CONT’D)
Boy, it is REALLY nice today, huh?
PAIRY
Statistically so.
RICHIE
...Hey Pairy, check chance of
thunderstorms.
PAIRY
Chance of thunderstorms still 3%.
RICHIE
Of course! Yeah, of course. It
wouldn’t change. Right?
PAIRY (CONT'D)
(MORE)
2.
Just because we’ve had lightning evacs
literally every day for the past three
weeks-
PAIRY
No no yeah, totally, I get it, been
there, done that, got electrocuted.
RICHIE
Yeah. It’s good to be careful.
...You ever wonder why they built the
community pool next to a 30-foot wind
turbine?
PAIRY
Literally every day.
ANOTHER BEAT. IT’S A VERY BORING DAY AT THE POOL. RICHIE
STARTS LOOKING FOR THINGS TO DO.
RICHIE
Guess I can get some work done. Pairy,
check To Do list.
PAIRY
Opening app, Lists: Opening ‘To Do’
list for Pembroke Community Pool,
Lifeguard Position #2, Second Shift
checklist. To Do #1: Check chlorine
levels in spa.
RICHIE
Check.
RICHIE (CONT'D)
3.
PAIRY
#2: Organize floats for 5:30 PM water
aerobics class.
RICHIE
Check.
PAIRY
#3: Resupply first aid kit for
inevitable barf accident.
RICHIE
Gross, and check.
PAIRY
#4: Be a cool guy.
RICHIE
That’s not on the list.
PAIRY
I will not be able to close this To Do
until you confirm whether you are or
are not a cool guy!
RICHIE
...I’m a cool guy.
PAIRY
Yeah you are! Closing list. Looks like
you have a fun and fancy free shift
ahead of you, Lifeguard Richie! Time
to crank the tunes and practice cool
guy winking.
4.
RICHIE
I told you, I’m not going to get
better at it. It just looks like I’m
trying to chew with my eye socket.
PAIRY
How else are you going to imply a
knowing kinship with someone??
RICHIE
I don’t think that’s going to come up
as often as you think it will.
PAIRY
Fool me once! WINK!
RICHIE
You can’t do it either.
PAIRY
Dang it.
BEAT.
RICHIE
Hey, remind me later that the family
bathroom is still taped off.
PAIRY
Still?
RICHIE
Yeah, Bryce said it was “an olfactory
hellscape.”
PAIRY
Bryce brushing up on those SATs, huh?
5.
RICHIE
Oh, and the splash pad too, the hot
dogs are still stuck in the sprinkler.
PAIRY
What about the spa?
RICHIE
I have been told to tell patrons that
they must be mistaken, there is no
spa, and there has never been a spa.
PAIRY
It’s always something, huh.
RICHIE
Yep. All. Ways. Something.
BEAT.
BEAT.
RICHIE (CONT’D)
Check thunderstorm-
PAIRY
Three percent chance of thunderstorms.
RICHIE
Of course! No chance. Almost no
chance.
PAIRY
Oh, I know! Lifeguard Richie, may I
order you a refreshing RC Cola from
the snack bar? My treat!
6.
RICHIE
Do you..have money? Wait, are you an
actual employee here or-
PAIRY
I love questions! Soda?
RICHIE
Uh, sure. Ok.
PAIRY
Great! Opening app: Snack Bar Menu.
Ordering one (1) RC Cola. Order has
been completed. Your RC Cola will
arrive in - 2 minutes.
RICHIE
Great.
PAIRY
Great.
RICHIE
Now we can just relax.
PAIRY
Chill out.
RICHIE
Cool down.
PAIRY
Zone out.
BEAT.
BEAT.
7.
RICHIE
I’m just gonna take a quick walk.
PAIRY
Me too! Quick turn around the pool
deck.
RICHIE
Just a lap, make sure everything’s
good.
PAIRY
Of course! Just a casual stroll.
RICHIE
Yep! Boy, it is a NICE day.
PAIRY
Sure is!
RICHIE
Nice day to just walk and talk and
keep an eye out, totally chill,
everything’s fine- Hi, Paul.
PAUL
Hello, how’s it - oh you’re already
going ok bye!
RICHIE
Normal day, normal day. Great day for
small talk! Yeah, small talk. What’s
some small talk?
8.
PAIRY
Uh, um. Uh....What is your ideal
vacation day?
RICHIE IS OBVIOUSLY PICKING UP THE PACE.
RICHIE
Oh I always work summers but if I had
a week off I would drive to Cuyahoga,
maybe see some family-
PAIRY
Oh, that sounds nice.
RICHIE
Yeah, it would be nice. Hey, Pairy, do
me a favor and check for -
PAIRY
Chance of thunderstorms 3%, chance of
rain 5%!
RICHIE
Great! Great. All great. Yeah I know
people don’t count going back as
vacation but I like vacations where
you can just hang out, you know?
PAIRY
Truly, you wouldn’t want to wish for a
vacation from your vacation!
RICHIE
Ha, ha, you bet. Just a book, some
video games - Hi Paul -
9.
PAUL
(Fading out quick.)
Hihowsitgoingokbye-
RICHIE
It’s important to relax AND recharge,
you know? Boy, it is NICE today!
PAIRY
The nicest!
RICHIE HAS REALLY PICKED UP THE PACE, SORT OF PANTING NOW.
RICHIE
Great day! A great great day, walking
around the pool!
PAIRY
Casually circling the swimming area!
RICHIE
Nothing to worry about at all! Check
thunderstorms!
PAIRY
3% and lessening by the minute! No
worries on a perfect day like today!
RICHIE
A perfect shift on a perfect day at a
perfect pool at the perfect job, HI
PAUL!
PAUL
Hi-
RICHIE
Perfect!
10.
PAIRY
Pleasant!
RICHIE
Unmatched!
PAIRY
A good good good good-
RICHIE
WAIT! WAIT! Stop!
YET ANOTHER BEAT.
RICHIE (CONT’D)
Oh my god. Was I...running?
PAIRY
What? No. We were walking. Just a
brisk walk. Right?
RICHIE
Pairy...we were running...on the pool
deck.
PAIRY
No!
RICHIE
Yes.
PAIRY
We have become that which we abhor!
RICHIE
We just got distracted...
PAIRY
The shame on my household!
11.
RICHIE
It’s fine. Let’s just calm down.
PAIRY
I’ll never be able to show my face in
CPR class again!
RICHIE
Ok now, c’mon, back in the chair.
...I can’t believe it. I tell people
not to run every day. They could bonk
their heads! And now look at me. I
could have been bonked.
I just get so worried sometimes, you
know? The moment something nice
happens I can’t stop thinking about
what could go wrong. I can’t turn it
off. My brain is just waiting for
another disaster. Nothing’s going to
happen! But something could happen.
Ugh. Anything could happen. Anything.
BEAT.
PAIRY
How about this? Why don’t I set up an
automated script that will check for
thunderstorms every ten minutes. And I
can let you know if anything changes.
One less thing?
12.
RICHIE
Yeah. Actually, that would be great,
if you could. One less thing. Thanks.
PAIRY
My pleasure.
RICHIE
Why do you say pleasure like that?
PAIRY
Hit by lightning, am very broken.
-New notification from Snack Bar. Your
beverage has arrived.
RICHIE TAKES A SIP OF SODA.
RICHIE
Boy. That’s definitely soda.
(Sip. Then, yelled:)
Hey Paul! You ok?
PAUL
I’m all pruny!
RICHIE
Great!
(To Pairy.)
Wink.
...Is my eye closing?
PAIRY
Not at all.
RICHIE
Dang it.
END.