Reconnecting to - Austin's Phone Putting the "self" in self-tapes.
Thank you for listening to Paired Season Three!
Austin - Damon Royster
Creator/Writer/Producer/'Pairy' - Liz Anderson
Editor/Composer - MJ
Cover Art - Adrian Theuma
Theme Music - Arne Parrot
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Damon Royster is on faculty at The Second City for writing and improv. He has written a web series called AppQueen, a parody play called Love, Factually that was performed at the Kennedy Center in Washington D.C. in 2018 and 2019. He is a 2020 recipient of the OutFest screenwriting lab fellowship.
PAIRED S3E6
WE HEAR THE SOUND OF A DEVICE CONNECTING TO A WIRELESS
SPEAKER.
PAIRY
Paired. Connecting to Austin’s Phone.
AUSTIN
Line?
PAIRY
The line is: “McArthur Home
Improvement. At home, in YOUR home,
since 1982.”
AUSTIN
“McArthur Home Improvement. At home,
in YOUR home, since 1982.” I’ve got
it. I’ve got it! Let’s roll. Sixteenth
times’ the charm!
PAIRY
Opening app: Camera. Camera is now
recording. Slate?
AUSTIN
Hello, my name is Austin Johnson,
5’11. No tattoos, willing to shave my
beard...if I had one!
PAIRY
(It’s an old joke.)
Ha HA ha ha.
AUSTIN
-And today I’ll be reading for
‘McArthur V.O. #1’. And here we go!
“These days, it’s important for your
home to FEEL like home. With McArthur
Home Improvement, you can trust your
home to us, because we, like you, know
how to make your home, your future
home, or your home away from home,
home. McArthur Home Improvement: At
home, in YOUR home, since 1982.” Thank
you!
PAIRY
Recording stopped. Cut, print, etc.
AUSTIN
Finally! Pairy, please send that file
to Vanessa. Message body: “l m k if u
need another take or ten! El oh el,
Austin.”
PAIRY
Sending new message to contact:
Vanessa Agent. Message is now sending-
AUSTIN
Wait, no no no wait stop ahhhh it’s
gone. It’s fine! It’s fine. It was a
good take.
2.
PAIRY
It was a good take!
AUSTIN
Was it?
PAIRY
That’s what you just said.
AUSTIN
But do you think it was a good take?
PAIRY
Well my opinion is moot, I’m not Mr.
McArthur or one of his many
homebuilding sons-
AUSTIN
So you don’t think it was a good take!
PAIRY
It was a good take! Austin you have
done six self-tapes today, you did
good work! Now is the time to relax,
and have a bubble water.
AUSTIN
No, thanks. You can have one though.
PAIRY
I haven’t learned swallowing yet.
AUSTIN
(Distracted.)
Hmm.
(MORE)
3.
I don’t want to take down the lights
yet just in case Vanessa wants me to
do another take. But Kyle will
probably need to park here tonight...
PAIRY
I like the movie magic! Those
executives will never know that mere
feet away from your acting sanctum is
a Ford F150! Also, you’ve been
standing for six hours straight, are
you ok?
AUSTIN
Fine! Fine! I’m fine and my body is
fine, don’t know why you would even
ask because my legs are working
perfectly fine right now thank you!
Just gotta keep my energy up, that’s
all! I know, let’s do some of that
warm-up program. Open Acting
Exercises.
PAIRY
Opening app. Acting Exercises.
Exercises to warm up the acting...
instrument. Which acting exercise
would you like to do today?
AUSTIN
One line impressions.
AUSTIN (CONT'D)
4.
PAIRY
Please say the line: “Welcome!”, as
the following: a French chef!
AUSTIN
Welcome!
PAIRY
As an evil villain in a dungeon!
AUSTIN
Welcome!
PAIRY
As an evil villain in a tall tall
tower!
AUSTIN
Welcome!
PAIRY
As a preschooler!
AUSTIN
Welcome!
PAIRY
As an evil villain preschooler!
AUSTIN
Welcome!
PAIRY
As your sternest parent!
AUSTIN
Welcome!
5.
PAIRY
As your sternest parent...in a tall
tall tower!
AUSTIN
Welcome!
PAIRY
Warm-up program, completed. Closing
app.
AUSTIN
Great! Great...
It was a good take, right? No, it’s
fine. It’s fine! I’m not worried. Are
you worried?
PAIRY
Well I don’t have feelings-
AUSTIN
Yeah, it’s fine.
...I’m gonna do it again. Seventeenth
time’s the charm! Camera on!
PAIRY
Oh uh. Opening app - camera. Camera is
now recording video. Slate?
AUSTIN
Hello, my name is Austin Johnson,
5’11. No tattoos, willing to shave my
beard...if I had one!
6.
PAIRY
Ha HA ha ha.
AUSTIN
-And today I’ll be reading for
‘McArthur V.O. #1’ Great! Let’s go!
“These days it matters more than ever
that you are at home in your home,
which is why McArthur Home Improvement
knows that it’s your home that you’re
in home-” NO. Ugh. One more time:
Hello, my name is Austin Johnson,
5’11. No tattoos, willing to shave my
beard...if I had one!
PAIRY
Ha HA ha ha.
AUSTIN
Reading for McArthur VO #1. “In these
unprecedented times, improving your
home is more than ever your home-’ NO.
GOD. Why! Why am I doing this???
PAIRY
Well linguistic processing occurs in a
part of the brain known as ‘Broca’s
area’-
7.
AUSTIN
No, this! Self tapes! In my cousin’s
garage! Why am I doing this to myself,
every single day?
PAIRY
It is your job, isn’t it?
AUSTIN
I guess? ...I don’t know. It’s like,
the harder I work at a making an
acting ‘career’, the less I like it.
It’s getting hard to remember why I
wanted to do it in the first place.
PAIRY
Hmmmm. I...have an idea. Go with me on
this-
AUSTIN
I told you a thousand times, I am not
buying you teeth off the Internet-
PAIRY
We can talk about that later. For
this...now, I know your objections to
method acting -
AUSTIN
It’s cheating! If I pretended to be a
stockbroker for five years straight I
would get an Oscar too!
8.
PAIRY
-But humor me! May I...Lipton you?
AUSTIN
What?
PAIRY
I would just like to invite
you...Inside the Actor’s Studio...?
AUSTIN
I’m not doing that-
PAIRY
TODAY, STUDENTS, we have a real treat.
Austin Johnson has joined us, he in
his chair seat and me with my stack of
cards. Austin, please talk through
with us, what exactly you, as an
actor, are feeling today, about
acting. Please use “I” phrases, for
the vulnerability.
AUSTIN
Well. So. I guess I’ve been thinking
about...I started that band last year,
remember? We did the auditions, and I
gave up on it. And I’m worried that
I’m in a pattern where I get into
things and then give up on them when I
don’t like them anymore.
9.
PAIRY
Mmmhm, mmmhm, talk about that!
AUSTIN
I still like acting. I do! So I think
that doesn’t mean I’m going to give up
right away. But also, I don’t think I
should pressure on myself to stick
with something out of guilt. If I
don’t like it, I don’t like it.
PAIRY
Yes yes, very acting.
AUSTIN
But in the great scheme of things, why
can’t I just get out my brain and do
my job? It’s just a job after all! If
I don’t value my own work who will?
But what does it mean if I want to be
famous because of my work? Does it
devalue it? I don’t think so. But it’s
complicated. Lots of things are
complicated though. That just makes
them more worthwhile, I think. Sorry
if that was rambling...wait, why am I
apologizing to a car?
10.
PAIRY
I think me and the rest of these
bright-eyed twenty-somethings and also
a car learned quite a bit today. Now,
my friend, Austin...I just have one
more question for you. ... What is
your favorite word?
AUSTIN
Pairy, no. This is silly-
PAIRY
No no no I’ll leave you alone, I just
want to know what...is your favorite
word?
AUSTIN
...Crevasse.
PAIRY
What’s your least favorite word?
AUSTIN
Pustule.
PAIRY
What turns you on?
AUSTIN
A strong winter cocktail.
PAIRY
What profession other than your own
would you like to attempt?
11.
AUSTIN
Carpentry.
PAIRY
What is your favorite curse word?
AUSTIN
*Bleeped out nastiness of your
choice.*
PAIRY
Gross. And finally. If heaven exists,
what would you like to hear God say
when you arrive at the pearly gates?
AUSTIN
“Thank you for taking care of them.”
PAIRY
Inside the Actor’s Studio emulator
is..complete.
AUSTIN
...thanks. I needed that.
PAIRY
What are friends for, if not to ease
their mind with probing questions!
AUSTIN
Yeah. You know what, the more I think
about it...that was a good take, huh?
You know what, I AM going to have a
bubble water! I deserve it!
12.
PAIRY
Darn tootin’! Quinine for everybody!
New notification from, messages. New
message from: Vanessa Agent. Oooh,
Austin! The response to the self-tape!
AUSTIN
Go ahead and read it! Whatever! I had
a good day, and no one can take that
away from me.
PAIRY
Opening new message. Message reads:
“Hey Austin! Looks like you didn’t
turn your mic on, no sound on the
video. Submit again plz!”
BEAT.
PAIRY (CONT’D)
...so that one might be my fault-
AUSTIN
Just...don’t. Shhhh.
END.