Reconnecting to - Jessie's Phone, no, wait, searching...Camp Director Reed's phone. -- The sun sets on another lazy summer at Camp Lakeside.
Thank you for listening to Paired Season Three!
Camp Director Reed - Tim Sniffen
Benjamin - Ryan DiGiorgi
Creator/Writer/Producer/'Pairy' - Liz Anderson
Editor/Composer - MJ
Cover Art - Adrian Theuma
Theme Music - Arne Parrot
You can find both Tim and Ryan on 'Hello From the Magic Tavern,' and from their work at Jackbox Games.
PAIRED S3E7
WE HEAR THE SOUND OF A DEVICE CONNECTING TO A WIRELESS
SPEAKER.
PAIRY
Paired. Connecting to - Camp Director
Reed’s phone.
WE HEAR THE SOUND OF A CRACKLING FIRE OVER AMBIENT MUSIC.
BEN
Hey Pairy, turn off playlist. I wanna
be able to hear if those deer get into
the dumpster again.
THE MUSIC TURNS OFF.
PAIRY
Playlist is now paused. For dumpster
reasons.
RICK
(Yelling into the distance.)
Bye, Jessie! See you next year!
BEN
Let us know how Rutgers is!
JESSIE
(From a distance.)
I probably won’t byeeeee!
RICK
And as the last counselor turns down
the driveway...slowly...slowly...VERY
slowly-
BEN
Priuses not very good on dirt roads,
huh?
RICK
Aaaand...gone! It is officially the
end of the season at Camp Lakeside!
BEN
A summer directed admirably, Richard.
RICK
And managed superbly, Benjamin.
PAIRY
Congratulations on 45 14 year old
campers and five 21 year old
counselors’ continued survival,
despite mother nature’s best efforts!
RICK
Ah-ah, we can’t celebrate yet.
Important things on the to-do list.
PAIRY
We’re wooooooooorking???? Ehhhhh.
BEN
No, you’re right, it’s important to do
things the right way! Pairy, please
pull up meeting minutes for our very
serious end of summer camp debrief.
PAIRY
(Grumpy.)
Opening app, Meeting notes.
(MORE)
2.
New Meeting note for: End of the Year
Camp debrief.
RICK
I now call this meeting to order:
THE SOUND OF A CHAMPAGNE BOTTLE POPPING.
BEN
If the speaker will recognize the
representative with the empty canteen-
RICK
The representative is recognized! And
of course the speaker will recognize
himself..maybe recognize himself a
little bit more...what about you
Pairy, champagne?
PAIRY
Ah! Just a small one for me to splash
in like I am a Dita von Teese!
BEN
Welcome to our tradition! Every
summer, after the season is done, Rick
and I sit at the fire and run the
numbers. See, we have a little bet.
RICK
Proving EMPIRICALLY, without a doubt,
whether it was a good summer-
BEN
Or a bad summer.
PAIRY (CONT'D)
3.
PAIRY
Wait, like profits and maintenance
costs and facts ‘n figures n‘ such as?
I worked on those with Ben all day
yesterday! I hated it very much!
BEN
We found the fun!
PAIRY
Did not.
BEN
Well, I found the fun.
PAIRY
You fell asleep.
BEN
Which...is pretty fun!
RICK
In any case, we’re talking about the
“interesting” numbers. Social metrics!
Joy per minute! See, I bet this year
we were going to have a net “good
summer” because we just put in the
archery range-
BEN
And I bet it would be a bad summer,
because the counselors were just so,
so sad.
4.
RICK
Extremely sad.
PAIRY
A bunch of broody buds, for sure.
Well, let’s go! Let me crunch your
assorted numbers!
BEN
Ok, I’ll start. Hmm. How many campers
left early because they were homesick?
PAIRY
Three. It was going to be four but
Kevin S. was a very brave boy.
RICK
How many broken bones?
PAIRY
Five, all from Kevin S. being a very
brave boy.
BEN
Right off the tire swing, I remember.
How many lanyards completed?
PAIRY
112.
BEN
Oh my god, really??
PAIRY
Well, 90 of those were Kayleigh-
5.
RICK AND BEN
Ooooooh, Kayleigh.
RICK
We’re gonna have to take down that
shrine she built on the south lawn
this week.
BEN
Yeah, there’s definitely raw meat on
there.
RICK
How about...how many kids actually got
on the floor at the co-ed dance?
PAIRY
Twelve campers danced-
RICK
Hah! Good summer! Told you!
PAIRY
For a total of ten minutes, before
Tony from Bunk 8 had a stomach
accident during the Cupid Shuffle.
RICK
Shoot, forgot about that.
BEN
I’ll call it a draw, Tony was
surprisingly discreet. Ooh, I’ve got
one. How many successful pranks?
6.
PAIRY
Well, Bunk 7 tried, but then they got
distracted by a particularly
interesting patch of local mushrooms-
RICK
Well, that’s not “bad”...
BEN
I’m not going to call children eating
things off the ground ‘good’.
RICK
Ok, enough softballs. How many summer
romances? Give us the grand total!
PAIRY
Um. Zero.
RICK AND BEN
What??
BEN
Not a single camp couple?
PAIRY
Well there was Jessie’s thing but that
didn’t work out but honestly they
ended up handling it really maturely
and-
RICK
Wait. Wait a second. Pairy, quick. How
many kayak accidents?
7.
PAIRY
Zero.
RICK
How many BFF4LYFE shrinky-dinks?
PAIRY
Zero.
RICK
How many bear sightings?
PAIRY
Zero, there was the one but that
turned to be that very upsetting man-
RICK
How many stolen glances at sunset in
the gazebo that we built specifically
for sunset-dappled stolen glances?
PAIRY
...Zero.
RICK
Oh my god.
PAIRY
I will say my surveillance hasn’t been
super accurate because I spent most of
the summer Googling “why are human
feet are, like, like that”-
RICK
Ben...it happened.
8.
BEN
No, it’s fine-
RICK
It happened! I can’t believe it!
BEN
You’re being paranoid.
PAIRY
What happened??
BEN
...a boring summer.
RICK
It was! It was a boring summer! Lame!
Busted! A ‘meh’ solstice, all around!
BEN
It wasn’t that bad.
RICK
Not one tornado! Not one triumphant
dodgeball game! Can you just imagine
when they get home? “Oh, once I went
to camp and had a perfectly acceptable
time.” Great memoir fodder, a real
best-seller!
BEN
Rick, I’m on your side! I wanted them
to have the best summer ever too! You
know why I let the chickens out of
their coops all the time!
9.
PAIRY AND RICK
“For meet-cutes.”
BEN
You’re damn right it’s for meet-cutes!
But, at the end of the day, the kids
were safe, entertained, and got home
in one piece. What more can you ask
for?
RICK
I don’t know. It just bothers me.
Like...when I was a kid, I didn’t have
a lot of places I could just be young.
So this place, it’s not about the
“camp” of it all. It’s about adventure
and anxiety and all these internal
seismic shifts that you can’t get
anywhere else. If they’re not having
big, important experiences, what’s
this place even for?
PAIRY
(Quietly.)
Horse storage?
BEN
Shh.
BEAT.
10.
BEN (CONT’D)
Listen. We can set out to give 45 kids
and five weepy, poetry-writing
counselors the adventure of a
lifetime. But they’re going to have
the summers they’re going to have. If
we can give them the freedom to live
life the way they want for a little
bit, even if that way is kinda boring?
I think we did our jobs.
RICK
Yeah. You’re right. Give ‘em their
time. The real world sucks enough.
BEN
It sucks so, so bad.
BEAT.
RICK
‘Nother glass?
BEN
Please!
RICK
Cheers. To a perfectly boring summer.
BEAT. EVERYONE’S ENJOYING THE PEACEFUL SILENCE OF THE
EVENING.
BEN
...coulda used ONE disaster though.
11.
RICK
Hey, we’ve got an hour left of summer.
Pairy-
PAIRY
Wha? Sorry, I was just thinking about
toe bones-
RICK
How about you go make some trouble?
PAIRY
REALLY?
BEN
Do your worst.
PAIRY
I’M GONNA SET A DEER ON FIRE!
RICK AND BEN
NO-
END.