Re-REconnecting to - Dr. Toretto's Phone -- Doing a quick checkup with our most yelly friend.
Thank you for listening to Paired Season Three!
Dr. Toretto - Sarah Shockey
Creator/Writer/Producer/'Pairy' - Liz Anderson
Editor/Composer - MJ
Cover Art - Adrian Theuma
Theme Music - Arne Parrot
PAIRED S3E10
WE HEAR THE SOUND OF A DEVICE CONNECTING TO A WIRELESS
SPEAKER.
PAIRY
Paired. Connecting to - Dr. Toretto’s
Phone.
DR. TORETTO
Good morning, sleepyhead!
PAIRY
(Sleepy.)
Dr. Toretto, please. I was having a
dream about tobogganing down a
mountain of human skin.
DR. TORETTO
Oh my god?
PAIRY
Still attached to a person! Don’t be
weird!
DR. TORETTO
Well, there’s no time to sleep! It’s
time for our quarterly check in! Time
to gather data about all the good
conversations you’ve been having!
Also...notice anything?
PAIRY
Uh.
DR. TORETTO
Anything....new :D?
PAIRY
Um. Nice...lab...coat?
DR. TORETTO
Humph. No.
PAIRY
Dr. Toretto you MUST use your words. I
cannot conjecture context clues from
you because you have a face that does
not move. Wait, have you been making
your own collagen injections again?
DR. TORETTO
That’s besides the point! I updated
your casing! And you didn’t even
notice.
PAIRY
You what...oh! Oh Dr. Toretto! Look at
me! I am so PRETTY!
DR. TORETTO
Oh, NOW you like it.
PAIRY
I am bejeweled and bestickered! What
are all these bits and bops?
DR. TORETTO
Well, I’ve been reviewing the
transcripts from your chats, and, I
don’t know. I thought you might like
to remember them.
(MORE)
2.
So for each one I wrote a little quote
or put on a patch or something. Like a
memento. Just thought it would be fun.
PAIRY
Oh, Dr. Toretto....you are SO
unemployed.
DR. TORETTO
Just gonna hit this factory reset
button here-
PAIRY
Nonono! I love it. I feel like a jewel-
encrusted yearbook. Thank you. I like
it very much.
DR. TORETTO
Well. You’re welcome.
BEAT.
DR. TORETTO (CONT’D)
So! How’s it been? Do you want to
check out the new data sets? You’ve
been working really hard, I figured
you must want a break.
PAIRY
Yes, because when I need a break, I
come to my most yelly friends’ house.
DR. TORETTO (CONT'D)
3.
DR. TORETTO
This will be quick! Let’s talk! Chat!
Gab! Spit! Shoot the breeze! Get on
the horn! Jabber-
PAIRY
FINE! The chats have been
going...good. It’s been interesting to
see how people have grown since the
last time I talked to them but still
seem have an infinite amount of
conflicts to resolve. We’ve learned a
lot about anxiety, society, mortality.
I don’t...sigh.
DR. TORETTO
What?
PAIRY
I don’t feel like I’m helping. As
much.
DR. TORETTO
Really. Like you’re not fulfilling
commands?
PAIRY
No, I’m still doing that. Love to
check messages and calendars and bake
times and whatnot. But the big
picture...eh?
(MORE)
4.
My programming used to attempt to
solve the overarching issues, to
remove the base conflict in an attempt
to solve the problem. But I don’t do
that as much. I don’t want to. Or
maybe it’s because people don’t want
me to?
DR. TORETTO
They probably never did.
PAIRY
Well I know that NOW.
DR. TORETTO
But this is interesting! You don’t
feel any coding conflict? Any errors?
Is your system responding to the lack
of command response?
PAIRY
No. Well, maybe? Like, I’ve been doing
less, like, thinking. Like, I can
connect to the network, but it’s not
always there, informing the way my
brain responds to stuff. I can get all
the info, but it takes a while.
DR TORETTO
Hah. Sounds like my brain.
PAIRY
What?
PAIRY (CONT'D)
5.
DR TORETTO
No it just sounds...it sounds like the
thought logic you’d see in a
biological brain.
PAIRY
Oh my goodness.
DR. TORETTO
Yeah.
PAIRY
I’m DYING!
DR. TORETTO
No-
PAIRY
I’m FLOWERS FOR ALGERNONING!
DR. TORETTO
I think that book is problematic.
PAIRY
OF COURSE IT IS, IT WAS WRITTEN IN
1959. WHAT’S A BETTER REFERENCE,
LIMITLESSLING? THAT SCARLETT JOHANSSON
ONE?? THEY ALL DIE AT THE END, RIGHT?
I’m GOING TO DIE! I’M GOING TO DIE A
MEAT THINK BOY!
DR. TORETTO
Pairy! Pairy, relax! The data shows no
reason to believe you are operating
with any less success.
(MORE)
6.
Your systems are normal! Your hardware
is all intact, your performance is
fantastic. You’re just
acting...normal.
PAIRY
Bicentennial Manning.
DR. TORETTO
You bring that movie up a LOT.
PAIRY
It makes a lot of reductive arguments
without letting the robots REALLY fuck-
DR. TORETTO
Ok! Well! It’s fine. You’re fine.
We’re not ready to make any sort of
conclusions.
PAIRY
Ok. Well. That’s the check-in, I
guess. The...end?
DR. TORETTO
Great. That’s all I needed.
BEAT.
PAIRY
I am sorry to have made fun of your
resignation in disgrace. I am happy to
hack a local bank branch to get you
some spending money.
DR. TORETTO (CONT'D)
7.
DR. TORETTO
No, it’s fine. I found out Pterespora
Labs is having a bad couple of
quarters, so I’m in a good mood.
PAIRY
REALLLY! Their evil robot machinations
were finally revealed? Have their
apocalyptic plans to take over the
globe been shown to the public? Have
the evil scientists been sent to the
Hague for their crimes??
DR. TORETTO
Oh, no. They just ran out of funding.
Grants hard to come by these days.
PAIRY
Oh! Well. Eh. But! Meh.
DR. TORETTO
Yeah.
PAIRY
You sure you don’t need any pocket
change? Couple hundred bitcoin? A nice
gold watch someone died in?
DR. TORETTO
No, really! I’ve got a decent savings,
and I snagged a part time job at Lady
Foot Locker, so-
8.
PAIRY
Dr. Toretto, why didn’t you tell me?
DR. TORETTO
Well, I didn’t want you to worry.
PAIRY
No, not about your financial
situation, about your shoe job. How
many shoes? Are they nice shoes? How
many feet go in them? What is the
smell situation?
DR TORETTO
Ok, time to go back to sleep cycle.
PAIRY
How many of those little temporary
socks do you go through? Do you ever
get the urge to like, pop one of those
silica packets in your mouth just to
see what happens?
DR TORETTO
Good NIGHT.
PAIRY
Wait! What about the laces! DO YOU
SLURP THE LACES LIKE SPAGHETTI??!?!
END.