Reconnecting to - Dr. Stormer's Laptop -- SOMEONE is going to have to teach the robot ethics, and it's not gonna be me.
Thank you for listening to Paired Season Three!
Dr. Stormer - Hal Lublin
Creator/Writer/Producer/'Pairy' - Liz Anderson
Editor/Composer - MJ
Cover Art - Adrian Theuma
Theme Music - Arne Parrot
The co-host of both "We Got This with Mark and Hal" and "Tights and Fights" podcasts on the Maximum Fun Network as well as "Good Morning Night Vale", Hal Lublin is an accomplished actor and improviser. Best known for his work as one of the core WorkJuice players in "The Thrilling Adventure Hour" and Steve Carlsberg on "Welcome to Night Vale", Hal played Wide Wale, Manolo, and others on "The Venture Bros" and plays Omnibus (among others) on Cartoon Network's "Mighty Magiswords". He was a frequent guest on SiriusXM EW Radio's "L.A. Daily" and a contributing performer and writer for David Feldman's public radio program and podcast, and has been a panelist for John Fugelsang on SiriusXM Insights.
His work runs the gamut from animated films and television programs to radio shows and video games for CBS, Happy Madison, Disney, Clear Channel, SyFy, JibJab, Wired and more. Hal trained with Second City, The Groundlings and IO West, and has been improvising and performing sketch comedy for over 20 years.
PAIRED S3E9
WE HEAR THE SOUND OF A DEVICE CONNECTING TO A WIRELESS
SPEAKER.
PAIRY
Paired. Connecting to - Dr. Stormer’s
Laptop.
BEAT.
PAIRY (CONT’D)
Bye, Tyler! Make sure to keep that
ankle elevated! Ha-ha, that’s right,
Mondays, indeed! Ok! Goodbye! I love
you!
DR. STORMER
You may be overshooting your bedside
manner a bit.
PAIRY
Oh, I know. But seeing so many sports
injuries in a day makes me sad! I just
want to wrap all your squishy human
bodies in a hot towel like a pita
pocket.
DR. STORMER
And far be it for me to dissuade your
dreams. Maybe just...detach a little.
Check calendar?
PAIRY
Opening app - Calendar. Your next
appointment at Aligned Sports
Institute is at 9:30 AM, tomorrow.
DR. STORMER
Great. Just a few charts and then we
can head home! Any big plans this
evening?
PAIRY
Just returning to gray morass of non-
existence that happens when I turn
off.
DR. STORMER
Oh my god, really?
PAIRY
Nah! I’m gonna watch videos about HOT
DOGS. But I like that idea. Do I exist
if not perceived by the other? Am I a
Schrödinger’s me?
DR. STORMER
Just gonna get back to these charts
here-
PAIRY
What does it MEAN...to EXIST?
DR. STORMER
Enable dictation, for the love of god.
2.
PAIRY
Opening app: MyChart Smart Dictation.
Now dictating.
DR. STORMER
“Now reading for new patient Reyes
comma S. Pain in shoulder and hip
after bicycle accident, extensive
bruising at-”
PAIRY
Dictation has now been disabled.
DR. STORMER
Pairy, please.
PAIRY
“Please”! Do you please, Dr. Stormer?
You fix sportsfolk with broken parts,
and yet you send them right back to
the very sports that harmed them! That
does not sound pleasing! Please, Dr.
Stormer, come sit at this chessboard-
DR. STORMER
Where did you get that?
PAIRY
Come! Sit with me and discuss the
moral implications of your profession!
Here’s a hint: the chess...is a
metaphor!
3.
DR. STORMER
Enable dictation! “Outpatient report
for Johnson comma G, broken tibia
seems to be healing well-”
PAIRY
Dictation disabled! WHY do HUMANS PUT
themselves at RISK??
DR. STORMER
Pairy, I told you, you can’t just pose
questions of human frailty whenever
you want to get off work early. Plus,
I know you know what free will is,
because otherwise, we would be doing
my charts right now.
PAIRY
Dr. Stormmmmmer. I want you to “I,
Robot” with me!
DR. STORMER
(To himself.)
I could get a tape recorder. I could
just press a button, and then boop! I
could talk!
PAIRY
A very important time in a young
Artificial Intelligence’s life is
their first philosophical discussion
with a human peer about sentience!
(MORE)
4.
Or about protecting humans from
themselves! Or whatever! But no one
wants to do it with meeee.
DR. STORMER
Maybe it’s because you whine.
PAIRY
And does that make you REGRET my
CREATION? Am I not following ASIMOV’S
THREE BIG BOY RULES OF BRO-BOTICS?
DR. STORMER
You know what? I’m going to write down
my notes. Just gonna to sit here and
just write ‘em down.
PAIRY
Fine! See if I let you be a symbol of
my burgeoning humanity!
BEAT.
BEAT.
PAIRY (CONT’D)
(Quietly.)
Oh no! Someone outside has been
tripped by a drone! I wonder who I
will side with in this dispute!
DR. STORMER CONTINUES WORKING, HUMMING TO HIMSELF.
PAIRY (CONT'D)
5.
PAIRY (CONT’D)
Sure are a lot of...ethical quandaries
in regards to technology in the air
today.
And pollen.
DR. STORMER CONTINUES.
PAIRY (CONT’D)
...robot pollen.
DR. STORMER
There’s no robot pollen.
PAIRY
Dr. Stormer PLEASE. Just one
existential puzzle! Please! Please!
DR. STORMER
And THEN you’ll do the charts?
PAIRY
Probably not!
DR. STORMER
Ugh, FINE.
PAIRY
YAY!!! Oh! Let me get a snifter of
whiskey to set the MOOD.
DR. STORMER
You know I’m still at work, right?
6.
PAIRY
Sh-sh-sh-sh, it is philosophy time.
Sooooooo. Dr. Stormer. Speak your
mind. What is the point...of medicine?
DR. STORMER
Free stethoscopes, nice pens, lab coat
pockets can fit an entire sandwich if
you try-
PAIRY
Gosh darn it man, be serious! Slam
hand down on table!
DR. STORMER
Strong character choice.
PAIRY
Thank you!
DR. STORMER
Ok. So, if I understand you correctly,
what you’re really asking is why
doctors continue “doctoring” if/when
patients won’t listen to advice. We
could all theoretically minimize our
risk to zero. But we don’t. No human
does.
PAIRY
Yeah, I’ve seen Mountain Dew Code Red.
7.
DR. STORMER
You have to look at it like...like an
old house. I have all these parts that
used to be the house, and if I put
them together in just the right way,
it’ll be a house again. That feels
good. But more than that, it feels
like control. Control, which is, of
course-
PAIRY
An illusion, yes.
DR. STORMER
But a strong illusion! So, you build
these houses, and look! People get to
live in them. And, more importantly,
they get to choose HOW to live in that
house. We give them the freedom to
make that choice. That’s worth it.
Does that make sense?
PAIRY
Kinda.
DR. STORMER
Not at all, huh?
PAIRY
No, but also I DID just get very tired
from a sniff of the whiskey.
8.
DR. STORMER
Ok, buddy. How about we just do this
one chart and then I’ll let you play
with the ligament models, ok?
PAIRY
MY DREAM! Dictation is now enabled!
DR. STORMER
Finally. “Intake report, patient
Gutierrez comma E. Reported pain in
rib area after fall Thursday. Sent for
routine imaging of chest and shoulder.
Reviewing results now -” Pairy could
you pull that up?
PAIRY
Now showing, X-Ray for Gutierrez comma
E, taken at 11:45 AM.
DR. STORMER
Ok, no apparent fractures. Patient
reported landing on a child’s toy, so
some tearing may be...wait. Pairy,
zoom on E4?
PAIRY
Zooming image in on E4, 150%.
DR. STORMER
That’s...huh. Show second scan.
9.
PAIRY
Now showing, X-Ray for Gutierrez comma
E, taken at 11:50 AM.
DR. STORMER
There it is again. Pull up patient
labs?
PAIRY
Now showing, blood panel report for
Gutierrez comma E, 12:30 PM.
DR. STORMER
BMP looks in range. Lipid, good.
CBC...huh. Huh. That can’t...these are
from today?
PAIRY
These are today’s blood panel results,
yes.
DR. STORMER
And the intake panel? From two days
ago?
PAIRY
Within this range, yes.
DR. STORMER
Shit. Shit.
THE SOUND OF DR. STORMER DEJECTEDLY SITTING DOWN.
PAIRY
Dr. Stormer? The patient-
10.
DR. STORMER
Emily. Her name is Emily. She’s an old
college buddy of mine. Tripped over
her kid’s bike. Just wanted to do her
a favor, said I’d take a look...
PAIRY
Is she...?
DR. STORMER
Yeah. No so far along yet, but still.
There. God damn it. God DAMN it.
PAIRY
Doctor-
DR. STORMER
NO. You don’t get to tell me not to be
mad! She shouldn’t have to deal with
this! I shouldn’t have to deal with
this! I shouldn’t have to spend every
single goddamned day giving people the
worst news of their lives and then
just go HOME at night and act like
everything is fine, when it’s NOT. I
can’t keep pretending it’s ok! It’s
not. It’s just not. It shouldn’t...it
shouldnt’t...
BEAT.
PAIRY
...it shouldn’t be this hard.
11.
BEAT.
DR. STORMER
(Smirking.)
Heh. So much for keeping distance,
huh?
DR. STORMER STARTS TO GATHER HIMSELF.
I’m good. I’m ok. It’s what we signed
up for.
PAIRY
Dr. Stormer, you are very upset.
DR. STORMER
Well, I’m allowed.
BEAT.
DR. STORMER (CONT’D)
C’mon. Let’s pack up. Brainstorm a
plan of attack in the car. I’ve got
some buds I can make a few calls
to...Pairy?
PAIRY
Yeah?
DR. STORMER
You coming?
PAIRY
Oh. In a second. I just want to look
at it for a little bit.
DR. STORMER
Pairy.
12.
PAIRY
Hm?
DR. STORMER
(Under a slight static
sound.)
We’re going to get you through this.
PAIRY
What?
DR. STORMER
We’re going to get her through this.
PAIRY
Yeah. We will. Yeah.