Connection has been - reestablished. . . . . . CW: Hospitals, mortality, character death
Thank you for listening to the finale of Paired Season Three!
We'll be back with Season Four after a nice long snooze cycle. In the meantime, make sure to leave us a review if you're enjoying the show - it really does help other listeners discover Paired! And keep an eye out for some very special episodes in the coming weeks on the Paired feed!
Creator/Writer/Producer/'Patient' - Liz Anderson
Editor/Composer - MJ
Cover Art - Adrian Theuma
Theme Music - Arne Parrot
Dr. Toretto - Sarah Shockey
Nurse - Stephen Kropa
Stephen Kropa is an actor, writer, and comedian living in Los Angeles. A journeyman of the TTRPG Podcast world he has appeared on countless programs such as NeoSum, AutoNomic, and multiple episodes of the OneShot Podcast Network. He can currently be heard on the audio drama Blake Skye: Private Eye. For updates and to find out more please follow him on Twitter @KropaCabana.
PAIRED S3 FINALE
AWKWARD SILENCE. WE HEAR THE SOUND OF DR. TORETTO MAKING
NOISES OF EFFORT.
DR. TORETTO
C’mon. C’mon Pairy. Where are you?
BEAT.
DR. TORETTO (CONT’D)
I know you’re in there. You can’t
cycle for two weeks straight, it’s not
GOOD for you. Or it might be great for
you! I don’t know! Whatever! You owe
me a report!
BEAT.
DR. TORETTO (CONT’D)
Hope everything’s ok.
WE HEAR THE SOUND OF STATIC, FIRST INTENSE, THEN SLOWLY
TURNING INTO MORE OF A BACKGROUND SOUND, LIKE A TV THAT’S
BEEN ON TOO LONG. UNDERNEATH, THE SOUND OF FEET WALKING
THROUGH A FOREST.
THE FOREST FOOTFALLS FADE INTO THE SOUND OF SOFT FEET WALKING
IN A LINOLEUM HALLWAY. A DOORWAY OPENS, AND WE ENTER A SPACE
FULL OF SOFT CHATTER AND WARM NOISES. THE WALKER HUMS TO
THEMSELVES A BIT. THEY HEAD THROUGH A DOOR INTO A QUIET ROOM,
WHERE WE HEAR THE BEEPS AND BOOPS OF VARIOUS MEDICAL
MACHINERY, INCLUDING A HEART RATE MONITOR.
THE SOUND OF CURTAINS BEING WHIPPED OPEN.
NURSE
Rise and shine, private! They’re
playing Reveille in the square!
PATIENT
Uhhgghhhhh.
NURSE
It is Tuesday, February 21st, 9:45 AM
Central Standard Time. The temperature
is 43 degrees Fahrenheit, and it is
time for you to attack the day! Hi-
yah!
PATIENT
Considering how few new people I’m
going to meet before I shuffle off
this mortal coil, I hope you realize
how close you are to being the worst
person I know.
THE PATIENT IS NOTICEABLY WEAK-SOUNDING.
NURSE
Petulance? In MY platoon? Not on my
watch! Up and at ‘em, private!
PATIENT
Go away or I’ll show you a
dishonorable discharge.
NURSE
Ten-hut...and such. Now sit up! I’ve
got a present for you.
PATIENT
Oooh, trying to angle into my will?
You don’t need to worry about that,
I’ve already left you all my special
high-up toilet.
2.
NURSE
Oh, I know better than to actually do
something nice for you. That’s like
trying to teach an alligator the
difference between a sandwich and a
hand.
PATIENT
Isn’t it illegal for you to buy me
stuff with your like, work money?
NURSE
Probably! Which is why I fished this
out of one of the donation bins.
THE NURSE THUMPS SOMETHING DOWN ON THE TABLE.
PATIENT
Awww! You got me trash!
NURSE
Garbage for my favorite can. No, it’s
a little speaker! It’s all charged I
think. Thought you might like it for
your sad sad playlist.
PATIENT
It’s not SAD, it’s MELANCHOLY.
NURSE
I say this as your dear friend and the
primary nurse on rotation - your music
is bad and you have bad taste.
3.
PATIENT
Rude!
NURSE
You’re really saying to the world “My
final moments will be underscored by
five covers of ‘Hallelujah’ and in
this way everyone to remember me as a
very deep and good person.” They will
laugh at you. I will make sure they
laugh at you.
PATIENT
If I wish to die cringe, I will die
cringe.
Hm. This doesn’t look like its on.
PATIENT SETS THE SPEAKER ON THE BEDSIDE TABLE.
PATIENT (CONT’D)
It’s not for me anyway. It’s montage
music. Helping ease the moment. I’m
supposed to be inspiring my loved ones
in my final hour, right?
NURSE
I typically tell people not to put too
much pressure on themselves. So much
of the idea of last impressions are
about other people’s hangups. And
that’s not for you to worry about.
(MORE)
4.
The most important thing is keeping
you relaxed and comfortable.
PATIENT
Heh. My sister already promised at my
memorial to only talk about that time
I ralphed over the balcony at the last
Pirates movie.
NURSE
Last as in the third, or last as in
the fifth?
PATIENT
The third - wait, there were two more
Pirates movies??
NURSE
Oh my god, yeah! See, that’s good
motivation to get you to next week.
You have at least two more middling
Geoffrey Rush performances to consume.
PATIENT
‘Tis a noble way to depart this world.
NURSE
‘Tis indeed. All right, time to check
the hardware. On your side, please?
PATIENT
Ehhhhh.
NURSE (CONT'D)
5.
NURSE
I know. Just a little pressure. Look
out the window - make sure to keep an
eye out for some early shoots in the
garden.
PATIENT
You’re miserable at distracting-ah,
AH. COLD.
NURSE
There we go. Good. Uh-huh. Mhm. Hmm.
Hm.
PATIENT
What?
NURSE
Nothing.
BEAT.
NURSE (CONT’D)
Hm.
PATIENT
What? “Hmm,” what?
NURSE
It’s nothing.
PATIENT
Fucking what is it?
BEAT.
PATIENT (CONT’D)
Sorry.
6.
NURSE
You’re allowed. It’s really nothing.
You’re just breathing a little
shallow.
PATIENT
Yeah. I can feel it.
NURSE
Hey. Look at me. I’ve got you. If
there is really truly something to
worry about, I’ll tell you, ok?
PATIENT
I know. I know you would. You’re a
really bad liar.
NURSE
Yeah, it’s been a real drain on my
mentalism career.
PATIENT
Oh! I forgot! How did the Jays do?
NURSE
Lost. 4-3.
PATIENT
Mmmmhm. I don’t think they’ll fare
much better in the playoffs.
BEAT.
7.
NURSE
...I hate baseball. I hate remembering
numbers. I hate this conversation. I
hate it every time we have it.
PATIENT
I know you do, but I’m going to keep
asking and you’re going to keep
telling me, because you cherish me.
NURSE
You’re a menace to my life.
PATIENT
You’ll miss me!
NURSE
I will. Very much.
BEAT. BOTH OF THEM BURST INTO GIGGLES.
NURSE (CONT’D)
See? See??? It never works! It’s
impossible to have the perfect last
memory.
PATIENT
Noooo, it would have been cute! Listen
if we keep on trying, eventually it
WILL be the last one, and it WILL be
poignant, and we’ll all have learned
something important about life.
8.
NURSE
Ok, Norman Lear. I’m going to get your
afternoon cocktail.
PATIENT
Oh, can you get me a morphine floater?
Just right on top of the antibiotics
like I like it.
NURSE
I’ll see what the barkeep can swing.
Would you like to listen to some
music?
PATIENT
Nah. Got some birds outside. But I do
want your opinion on this dirge-y
cover of “Hey Ya!” I fond.
NURSE
Lovely. Gimme two minutes. Hey, before
I go...
Listen...we’re going to get you
through this.
BEAT.
THEY BURST INTO LAUGHTER AGAIN.
PATIENT
Get OUT of here!
NURSE
CREDITS ROLL. BROUGHT TO YOU BY
INDUSTRIAL LIGHT AND MAGIC.
9.
PATIENT
Away! Away! Shoo!
NURSE
Byyyyye.
THE NURSE LEAVES, DOOR SHUTTING BEHIND THEM.
PATIENT
Dummy.
THE SOUND OF BIRDS OUTSIDE THE WINDOW. THERE’S A THUMPING.
PATIENT (CONT’D)
Where...
MORE THUMPING.
PATIENT (CONT’D)
Hello? Hello-oh.
MORE THUMPING, BUT IT’S RHYTHMIC.
PATIENT (CONT’D)
Woodpecker. Aw bud. That’s not wood.
Shoo.
THE SOUND OF A BIRD FLYING AWAY.
THE PATIENT BREATHES. WE STILL HEAR THE SOUND OF MEDICAL
EQUIPMENT. THEY BEGIN TO BREATHE MORE AND MORE SLOWLY. THE
HEART MONITOR BEGINS TO SLOW DOWN. IT GETS SLOWER....AND
SLOWER....AND SLOWER...UNTIL IT IS JUST A QUIET LINE. THERE’S
NO FLURRY OF MOTION, OR SCREAMING ALARMS. JUST A LOW TONE,
THE SOUND OF BIRDS, AND THEN -
WE HEAR THE SOUND OF A DEVICE CONNECTING TO A WIRELESS
SPEAKER.
PAIRY
Paired.
END.